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New Express Lanes Require Drivers to Go At Least 90 MPH

As a construction wraps up on expanded lanes along the Tampa Bay area’s I-275, new rules are set to go into effect to ensure traffic flow.

“Florida passed a law that banned driving in the left lane unless you are passing someone,” said Florida Department of Transportation Head of Traffic Flow, Bleddy Hanus.  “This law passed after we were already deep into the expanded lanes project.”

Due to the new lanes being built on the left most side of I-275, drivers will now have to drive a minimum 90 MPH to ensure that they don’t slow traffic down.

“If you drive below 90 MPH on the new toll lane, you will not be stopped because we put up a barrier and police can’t cross into it.” Said Hanus. “But if you pass through the toll plaza at a low speed, you will be charged $250 for holding traffic up.”

The new express lanes are set to open along a short stretch of highway that would have been better suited for light rail instead.

“Florida needs a lot of cars on the road so that we can keep saying that the demand for light rail isn’t there,” said Hanus.  “As much as I would love for less traffic congestion, the best we can do is charge people to speed down a highway at dangerously fast speeds.”

Hanus then took me on a tour of the new express lanes in his Maserati.

“I’m actually currently leasing this Maserati, but the new models are very affordable compared to cars that go about the same speed,” said Hanus.

We then drove really fast on the new express lane until we had to slow down behind a Mini Cooper going 78 MPH.

Hanus began dangerously tailgating the Mini Cooper.  Before I could tell Hanus to slow down, the Mini Cooper brake checked us, causing Hanus to slam on the brakes and flip the Maserati.

We skirted upside down on the lane causing massive damage to the new asphalt.  I also broke my neck and typed this story with my new Neuralink. 

This thing is tight, I highly recommend it, brain implants are definitely the future of computing and I am happy to be a part of it. I love you Elon!

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos