New York, LA, And 6 Other Cities That Need To Be Nuked

That headline was purely clickbait. I do not believe any American cities should be nuked. In fact, I’ll go one further, and say that no cities in the world should be nuked. How about that? I have more peaceful philosophies than a lot of other people.

I wouldn’t even joke about nuking a city because in this day in age it’s a slippery slope before you’re labeled as a potential future-threat, and even though there’s probably hundreds of articles and social media posts I’ve done that could be distorted and taken out of context to build a strong case that I actually am a loose-cannon, crazy-person, I’m going to prove to you right here that I am actually, in fact, very stable and normal, and couldn’t hurt a fly. In fact when I find a bug in my house, I don’t even kill it, I pick it up and take it outside, that’s how neutral and humanitarian I am.

So I will sign here where I take an oath that pledges, I will never do anything bad to anyone for any reason ever. I will only always act in self defense. So for example, if someone nuked me, then, after consideration, I may end up nuking them back. But that is the only scenario in which I would ever nuke anyone. I would never nuke them first.

Signed – John Jacobs

See? I’m more pacifist than you are, by far, and it’s not even close. In fact, I should win a Nobel peace prize in entertainment,  comedy, public relations, and general peacefulness.

I just thought that was a funny headline, that’s all. No need to install cameras in my place of work and residency. And definitely no need to download all of my personal data and study every phone call I’ve ever made, in thorough detail.

I’m a satirist, not a sad-terrorist, there’s a big difference. I write stuff that makes me laugh and hopefully makes other laughs solely with the intention of entertainment, complete with multiple disclaimers to show you that I am nothing more than a clown fashioning silly sentences together.

But for real, if one city needed to be nuked, what would it be? Portland? Those woke libs right! Just kidding, what would the other end of the spectrum be? Sanford, Florida? I don’t know. Nobody should ever be bombed for any reason. If anyone has a problem with another person they should talk it out. That’s my two cents. Thank you, goodnight, and remember. These are jokes. And some people say, “not everything can be joked about!” But I disagree and so do millions of other people, art is subjective, nothing can ever be truly off-limits as long as the intentions are clear.

I’m not here to hurt anybody’s feelings, I’m just here to write silly fake news articles. That’s all. I have no plans beyond that. I don’t even know what I’m going to eat for brunch tomorrow. The only “witch hunt” I’m on is a sandwich hunt. Thank you, close on a big one, goodnight.