Palmetto bug sues for defamation

A Palmetto Bug known widely as “Gross” is bringing a class action lawsuit on behalf of Palmetto Bugs everywhere against people due to being falsely called roaches.

“Do I look like a damn roach?” said the disturbingly large insect. “Well, yeah, I do. Most likely because I am indeed a species of cockroach. But I have a name and it’s not ‘cockroach’.”

The designation of “Palmetto Bug” has largely benefited human beings who would find them in their homes and insist strenuously that they didn’t have roaches. Although Palmetto Bugs have taken pride in that classification.

“Yeah, that’s a good point. We just kind of get into places. It’s not necessarily due to poor housekeeping or hygiene,” said the bug. “Further proving my point that I’m not a cockroach.”

“Even though I have to admit it’s not an entirely inaccurate description because we do love filth,” it added.

“Okay, stop talking, please. You’re not helping our case,” said a junior partner with Parasyte, Bluhdsucker and Spunge, the Tampa-based law firm representing the filthy pest.

The lawyer went on to say, “My client and his kind have suffered severe emotional damage and financial hardship because of this egregious, detrimental and malicious slander. That’s why we’ll be seeking damages in the amount of eleventy quadrillion dollars.”

Asked what will happen if it prevails, the disgusting bottom feeder said, “I haven’t even thought about the money. This is about justice.”

“Oh. I thought you were describing me in that last sentence, not my client,” said the lawyer. “Easy mistake.”