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New vegan removes all meat products from diet and own body

New Vegan

Roberta Trapper-Keeper of Tampa, a new but enthusiastic convert to veganism, has made some extremely drastic lifestyle changes.

“Yeah, I should probably be dead, huh?” she asked rhetorically. “But the truth is I’ve never felt better in my whole life!”

“To be fair, I’ve always felt pretty miserable, though,” she added.

She’s not only stopped eating meat and meat byproducts but she’s gone to the extent of removing all meat from her body, including skin and muscles.

“As I’ve learned that meat is murder, I thought about all the poor animals like parakeets and giraffes who are killed for their delicious flesh,” she said. “And I realized I’m no better than they are and that I’d be a hypocrite if I continued to endorse the industrial meat complex by being made of meat myself. So I’m not anymore.”

A local surgeon, who doesn’t want his name published due to possible charges resulting from obviously apparent moral and ethical violations, performed the highly unorthodox surgery in an abandoned storefront at University Mall.

“Close to medical facilities at the University of South Florida, but not too close, if you get what I’m saying,” he said. “Anyway, it’s interesting to learn that human beings can survive without skin, muscle and even a few internal organs. This would be an important medical discovery if I could tell anybody about it.”

For her part, Trapper-Keeper says she’s lost lifelong friends over her healthy-eating, plant-based, skeletal lifestyle change.

“I guess they just can’t handle it,” she said. “Some of them have said it’s downright ‘creepy’! Can you believe that? Just because I’m embracing new, healthy habits. Oh well, it’s not my fault they can’t handle that.”

Longtime friend Becky Cutnpaste said, “Yeah, it’s not so much that she’s aggressively advocating veganism, which she just took up like, three weeks ago. It’s that she looks like a Halloween decoration. If that means I’m shallow, I’m sorry, I’ve known her since high school but now she frightens my kids and dog.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54