Have you ever wanted to be in charge of your very own hyper-local satirical news organization? What an impossibly stupid question; of COURSE you have! Well, here’s your chance to stand among Derek Jeter, OJ Simpson, Pete Davidson, Taylor Swift and many others who have owned Tampa News Force (TNF) at some point: Presenting…
TAMPA FANTASY NEWS FORCE!
It’s just like Fantasy Football, except it has nothing to do with football, you dumbass. Read the opening paragraph again. Jesus.
In Tampa Fantasy News Force (TFNF), you compete against friends and that one guy nobody likes by earning points based on what the real TNF publishes! Here’s everything you need to start your very own TFNF League…
- OBJECTIVE and SCORING – You select your own team of writers, setting a lineup every week. Then, you watch as they write articles, all of which are worth fantasy points. 10 points for every article published, 3 points for every sub-topic mentioned, the list of which is determined by you. DeSantis, Rick Scott, strip clubs, Jane Castor, SoHo douchebags, Ybor City and nepo-babies are good ones. Tom Brady used to be a GREAT one to rack up a bunch of points. Probably not so much anymore. Add as many or as few as you like. Every week, you are matched up with someone else in your league, and whoever has the most fantasy points that week, wins!
- DRAFT A TEAM – Sure, you’ll want to start with John Jacobs, Josh Santos or me (and to be honest, at this point I’m writing close to 50% of the articles and I write about all of those things listed above so if you pick me, you’ll probably win easily) but there are over 60 contributors on the TNF roster to choose from, most of whom don’t do very much on a regular basis so that’s probably a huge waste of time.
- HAVE A DRAFT PARTY – As is the case with most fantasy ventures, the draft party is the most (only) fun you’ll have all year. Pick your favorite sports bar (and remember any place with more than one TV is a sports bar). Or stay home or go to someone’s house. Who gives a shit?
Get some chicken wings, some of those little meatballs with toothpicks in them, some chips and salsa or spinach dip, a nachos platter and lots of beer. Oh, you know what’s good? One of those trays from Publix with mini-Cuban sandwiches. Get one of those! Joke around with playful banter about how great your team is and how lousy everyone else’s is. Tease the guy who drafts John Jacobs because he likes his hair because he’s gay. He’ll tease back that you bring up the same shit every year and he’s getting tired of it, which gives you the opportunity to point out that he drafts John Jacobs every year because he’s gay every year. He’ll refute that accusation by making a comment about your wife’s tits. You won’t actually fight but one or both of you will storm out, furious and genuinely hurt. Good times!
- DON’T DRAFT A KICKER –