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Ron Desantis is Drinking all of Florida’s Water

Astounded, disgusted, perplexed, mildly aroused—These are just some of the words Florida residents have been using to describe a recent sighting of Governor Ron Desantis, hunched over Lake Okeechobee, slurping up water for over 4 hours straight.

In just the past two weeks, similar sightings have occurred all across Florida, with residents and reporters spotting Desantis gulping gallons of water from various lakes and ponds. 

When asked for comment on his outlandish actions, Ronald only said—between aggressive gulps of lake water—“I need this”. Besides this, he has remained either silent or too busy slurping and gulping to provide the public with any real explanation.

Florida bathymetrists (people who measure lake depth and also take baths a lot) found that many of Florida’s lakes have substantially decreased in depth, with some losing over 6 inches just from Desantis’ strange activity. According to scientists, 6 inches is “a pretty good size”. 

Marine biologists warn that this could have a terrible effect on Florida’s fish populations, which they claim live in the water. Violinists have been silent on the matter. 

There’s no question that this has distraught many Floridians, some even organizing to end the nonstop lake-drinking, with the newly formed “#StopTheSlurp” committee having garnered the support of over 131 members as of Sunday. 

This committee and others have taken to Facebook and X (formerly known as eX) to brainstorm strategies to finally end the slurping. Their strategy with the most support: Pouring tons of Kool-Aid mix into all of Florida’s lakes until Desantis gets diabetes from gulping gallons of Berry Cherry and Tropical Punch. 

A recent post from #StopTheSlurp chairwoman Lisa Inutilis read, “We have many plans in place. I believe we will put an end to this. The problem is we don’t know how to do anything except just say a bunch of stuff. 

Thousands of others have shown nothing but support for the governor, with many theories arising to explain his actions. 

Janice Bolotuchi, a longtime supporter of Desantis, took to Facebook to share her theory. “I know without a doubt in my mind that mr desnatis has the best intentions of the good american people, in his heart cause he is drinking all our water so he can pee it back out and they are bottling up his pee in a secret facility to give to us and we will drink it and all be healthy again and free of diseases and its gonna get rid of gay thoughts too so Florida will be free of the woke lgbtqia2s+ agenda… Thank you god for Ron Desantis!!! Keep lappin that water like a patriot!!!! #Slurpsantis2024” 

Tens of thousands have already liked and shared her bizarre theory, with even Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene sharing it in support, adding, “Go off sis”. Several people will surely hear Jimmy Fallon say something about this in the days to come. 

While the public waits for answers, there is one thing we can all be sure of: In front of some lake or pond, somewhere in the vastness of Florida (maybe in your backyard), Governor Ronald Desantis is hunched over—hands tightly gripping the dirt, buttocks facing the sky, head soaking wet—intensely, enthusiastically, and unapologetically guzzling gallons of fresh, unfiltered water.

Jake Brown

About Jake Brown

Tampa Bay comic, travel journalist, and winner of hundreds of awards which he is legally unable to disclose. Still enjoys playing with Legos

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