Search for Pub Sub Thieves Intensifies

As two highly dangerous outlaws remain at large in Cape Coral, law enforcement officials are enhancing efforts to bring them to justice before they can strike again.

According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, a couple walked into the Publix on Del Prado Boulevard in Cape Coral on Saturday afternoon. They approached the Deli station, looking for their online order containing two whole turkey subs. 

When they couldn’t find their orders, the Deli Clerk made them new ones, but deputies said they left the store without paying.

“A crime committed against Publix is a crime committed against every single citizen in Florida,” said Wes Cruncher, a spokesperson for the Cape Coral Police Department (CCPD). “As such, we not only have all CCPD personnel assigned to this case, but we have enlisted the assistance of the Lee County Sheriff’s Department, Florida State Highway Patrol and United States Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams, more commonly known as Navy SEALs. We will deploy resources on land, sea and air in order to find and prosecute these scum.”

“All authorized agents will be operating under not only a shoot-on-sight directive, but a detain-and-torture-on-sight directive,” he added. 

In addition, an advisory for citizens throughout the entire state to shelter in place for safety has been issued. “Please be very careful; these two won’t be hungry but they will be desperate,” said Cruncher.

According to the incident report, each sub cost $9.99, bringing the sandwich’s total value to $21.28.

“This is a heinous and senseless offense”, said Cruncher. “Well, maybe not senseless; Pub Subs are delicious, so I get it. But you can’t steal ‘em.”