St. Pete woman disqualified from Fun Run

Dorothy Sterns, a sweet 97-year-old great-great grandmother from St. Petersburg was disqualified mid-race from the Annual Gobble Gobble Autumnal Wobble Fun Run sponsored by Boost Mobile earlier this morning.

A race official who declined to give his name, which is Bill Wergersworth as indicated by the name tag he was wearing stated that Ms. Sterns was neither running nor having fun.

“We can’t have somebody out there who isn’t doing at least one or the other. How’s that going to look to the other participants who are trying to exercise and/or have a good time?”

38-year-old Becky Hibbler of Pinellas Park agreed, “I’m out here doing my best to deny the inevitable eventuality of my own mortality. The last thing I want to see is an actual reminder that death comes for us all.”

Ms. Sterns was physically detained by two security staff members and escorted from the route.

“I don’t run because I’m 97 and I don’t walk around with a constant grin on my face because I haven’t had a lobotomy,” she said. “I just wanted some fresh air and sunshine. What the fuck, assholes?”

She added, “Grab me again and see if I don’t break your goddamn arms off at the elbow and shove them up your asses sideways, you lightweight rent-a-cop goons. I’ve lived through real-life Nazis, not these flabby wannabe fuckbois in khaki pants with bad haircuts. You think I’m intimidated by your plastic badges and wraparound sunglasses? Try me and see!”

“Hey, this is fun!”, she said.