Tampa Gets Rid of Last Remaining Poors

Tampa Bay has officially exiled the last remaining poor people in the city, now becoming a completely wealthy metropolis.

“We were able to figure out the exact pricing of all things to perfectly phase out people who make under $250,000 per year.” Said Beltin Idout, city chairman.

“Then those leftover who wanted to just float about and be homeless, we bussed them out and dropped them off in Homosassa.” Laughed Idout.

Alright I’ll be honest I haven’t written a story in like a month which is like 100 dog years in writers terms, so I’m a little rusty. I liked the headline figured I’d go for it, not sure if I have much left. All I could think of is when I called the guy chairman then maybe I’d do something about he’s a chair-man meaning he either sold chairs, or he was a man who was part chair or something like that, but I don’t think it’s worth exploring. Tampa has just gotten unlivably expensive, and tons of business have shut down since the pandemic, Tampa really peaked in 2020 when Tom Brady won the Super Bowl. I mean wow who would’ve thought all of our teams were on top of the world, we were one of the only cities on earth that pretty much remained open throughout the pandemic, we were riding high.

And then the rest of the world took note and thought, “those buffoons do not deserve this good fortune, we must immediately move in and change the landscape of the city to another soulless material-town just like everywhere else.” And that’s pretty much what happened.

The wage gap raises, and now it’s just new-money rednecks who have speedboats with Trump graphics wrapped around the entire vessel. 

I don’t even know what Tampa is anymore, we spent 20 years building this empty city to sustain way more people, and sadly all those people showed up and now it’s crowded, there’s LA traffic, there’s no more family businesses, it’s all faux-healthy and fake-morally-conscious stores.

“All the jewelry in this store is made by women in a village who we would never let in this store.” That’s the gist of it. And you can actually catch that last joke live from a set I did in Hyde Park last year, actually on my birthday!

I know, I’m no better, I love Timpano in Hyde Park, the spicy margaritas make me want to abandon whatever fleeting beliefs I have.

I would completely drop all of my radical ideas if someone gave me a million dollars.

I could be bought out so quickly and easily.

All of this angst comes from not being rich.

Give me money and I’ll shut up and indulge in excess like everyone else, and then I would… Move to Tampa… Wait…

Can I blame the city for turning into this thing?

I just watched the movie “The Uglies” on Netflix, starring Joey King, and it’s basically about exactly this. You can choose to become pretty, but the surgery destroys your brain and you’re just an idiot, but you’re happy and hot.

What would you rather have? Free thought, or big tits and a nice apartment.

I really don’t know at this point. 

I like to think I’d keep my brain.

But this is where my brain has gotten me.

Writing fake news articles for a single-digit amount of readers.

But if the readers who are reading like it, then I guess it’s worth it right.

A small amount of real joy is better than an infinite amount of fake joy right?

That’s why I stopped doing cocaine. That and it hurt my heart and it was expensive.

But mostly the first one, I tell myself.

It’s really hard to even consider these “fake news articles” at this point.

It’s a couple sentences vaguely on the topic of the headline and then essentially a blog/diary. 

A blog/diary of a character who works at a fake news office building in downtown Tampa.

It’s great writing for a character because you can hide behind that persona. No one can hurt you if you never share who you really are.

Preferences are for the weak.

Do not invest in anything because it all can, and will, go away.

Instead just live by the second and live thousands of lives every day. You never get too much and you never get too little. Everything just is the way it is and that’s neither good nor bad.

Alright, I should go to sleep.