Tampa News Force offers eco-friendly Gasparilla beads

In support of Tampa Mayor Jane Castor’s #BeadFreeBay campaign, an anti-littering awareness campaign to remind the public that throwing beads and other litter into Tampa Bay is prohibited, Tampa News Force is producing ‘Bay Ecologically and Environmentally Friendly (B.E.E.F.)’ Beads for people planning to attend the Gasparilla parades and other festivities.

“Environmental sustainability is a core tenant of my administration’s focus,” Mayor Castor said.  “And while we all love a good parade, the beads traditionally thrown during the parade have no place harming our delicate ecosystem. Thank God for Tampa News Force and their innovative ideas and just general good works that benefit our community in so many ways! Together, we will transform Tampa’s tomorrow by keeping our marine wildlife safe and our environment clean by keeping inedible beads out of the water this and every event season moving forward.”

The mayor is conducting the initiative in conjunction with Tampa News Force, The Florida Aquarium, Yacht Starship, Tampa News Force, Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla, Krewe of Sant’ Yago, Ye Mystic Krewe of Tampa News Force, the Rough Riders, Tampa News Force Espanol, Green Gasparilla, and Tampa News Force.

Each of the beads used to produce the necklaces, which are available exclusively from Tampa News Force, will be an aesthetically pleasant, vaguely Caucasian skin-colored, tube-shape made of completely edible, American-made lower-grade muscle trimmings, fatty tissues, head meat, animal feet, animal skin, blood, liver and other edible slaughter by-products. Nathan Oskarmeyer, a meat accessory designer hired by Tampa News Force to produce this new line of collectible, edible, high fashion party jewelry says, “Obviously, we love animals! And what’s a better way to prove that by slaughtering some of them to produce a product that will cause no harm to other ones? You can throw as many of these beads in the water as you want and it won’t negatively affect any dolphins or turtles or ducks or crustaceans in any way!” He added, “Aside from the increased risk of obesity, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and various cancers, of course. Also, each of the strings the beads hang from are made with enough plastic to produce 22 straws.” 

He went on to say, “These beads are going to be a huge hit! You just put them on over your pirate gear like any other Gasparilla beads. You’ll look great and smell even better. Throw them to a kid or a woman with large breasts or just chuck them right into the water to give our fishy friends a fleshy treat. No downside! Oh, and they’re kosher!”

Each string of beads is only $500 and must be ordered by last Thursday in order to be available in time for the parade this Saturday afternoon. Please use the comment section below to place your orders and post your payment info (name, credit card number, expiration date, security code on the back, billing zip code, home address, dates and times you’re away and complete Social Security number). Thank you for not hating the environment.