Tampa News Force presents: Tampa’s Real Bus Advice

Tampa News Force wants to highlight some of the local wisdom you can only find taking public transit in Tampa! Here are 10 pieces of advice that local On The Bus correspondent Chris Coon has picked up on Tampa public transit in his time being a truth teller for our venerable service.

These are real quotes from real Tampa citizens and all of them have been independently verified as true by investigative truth-seeker Chris Coon

1. “If you hold your breath while they take your blood pressure, you can reduce your bpm by 15 beats so you can cheat the health tests they give you at plasma donations.” -Darnell, age 50 but surprisingly short (fact-checking method ommitted due to freedom against self incrimination)
2. “You can smoke 2 full cigars per day; before it has any medical effect…..They put the same kinds of things in the cellphones as they do in vaccines.” -Rick, retired (Source: good cut of jib)
3. “Get your adderall from costco. They always have it and they give you 3 month supplies. That’s what I do and then I sell it.” -Frank, visibly Greek (Costco claim unclear but he was definitely selling it)
4. “If your passenger fakes anaphylxis when you get pulled over, they can’t arrest you no matter how suspended your licebse is.” -Izelle, either lesbian or addict (Source: touched my shoulder in a warm and cheery way)
5. “If you impound your car at a car repair place, they can’t repossess it until you pay for the repair. But always harvest your own catalytic converter if you already know it’s going to get repossessed” (Source: Surprisingly convincing even despite visibly taking bus)
6. “It’s easier to get your friend to become a fake care practitioner licensed by Christian Science and then have them pronounce you disabled than to get social security disability through the regular way.” -Maribel Kereddy, age indistinguishable (Source: ominously laidback vibe)
7. “The reason why I invented Brazilk (Brazil Nut Almond Milk) is that Brazil nuts are objectively the best nut. -Jesus Christ* (Source: I mean Jesus told me. He literally IS the Truth. If that’s not good enough he’s also the Way, the Life, and the Lamb)

*Writer Chris Coon may be biased in his reporting since the man who gave this advice revealed himself as the second coming of Jesus Christ after Chris gave him $2 for cigarettes as a literal retroactive low stakes Pascal’s wager—he may be improperly invested the narrative that this man is Jesus Christ II.

8. The guy who got tricked into training Mohamed Atta to fly a plane at the Venice airport used to date my sister. Nice guy just a little too meek. You gotta look a man in the eyes when you shake his hands” -Arnold, cinematically weary (Source: withered but resolute, almost depression era blue eyes)
9. “The local government of Sarasota is trying to kill me because I know how to make super soldier serum. That’s why I moved to Tampa….by the way, the ingredients to make super-soldier serum are psilocybin, baby’s blood, and that South American zombie fungus that makes those ants do fungus-related behavior.” -Vercingetorix, surprisingly outside of home (Source: What, can you think of a better super soldier serum?)
10. “You can tell that Genesis isn’t literally true because the moon shows up during the daytime.” -Chris, unclear what his main thing is (Source: would I lie to you?)