Tampa teenager wishes he had been old enough to bully Prince

Chamberlain High School senior Corey Chuggler is looking back on his lengthy bullying career with few regrets but with one notable exception.

“I wish I’d had the opportunity to bully Prince,” he said. “That would have been a real accomplishment.”

Chuggler explained, “He was of small stature, he dressed differently, he was far more talented than I could ever be and he was popular with women, which is also way beyond my scope. All things that would make him an ideal candidate for bullying by someone like me who doesn’t have an effective means of coping with my insecurities and shortcomings.”

Chuggler said he’s bullied many musicians over the years. “But just mostly marching band dorks or choir dweebs,” he said. “Never a Rock & Roll Hall of Famer, a true musical genius who won multiple Grammys, Golden Globes and even an Oscar, all while selling millions of hit records and being an unparalleled live performer. Man, I would have been so honored to stuff him in a gym locker.”

As his high school graduation approaches this spring, Chuggler finds himself waxing nostalgic. “They say, ‘All good things must come to an end’ and I guess that’s true,” he said. “I mean, I’m going to always try to get my way by intimidating people I perceive as weaker than me while being secretly threatened by them. Because I’m a bully and people like me never really change in a meaningful, fundamental way. But adult society frowns on physically beating people up. So that’s that and I’m okay with it.”

“Still, it would have been great to have given the guy responsible for Purple Rain a Purple Nurple.”

He added, “We’ll both be remembered as absolute masters of our crafts, but unfortunately separated by being products of different generations.”

“Alas,” he sighed.