One Bus Place – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 7.30.19
Having completed their pre-season scouting reports on all 32 NFL teams, theologians agree that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning Super Bowl LIV, to be played in Miami next February.
As bleak as that prospect seems taken at face value, it’s actually an upgrade from last year’s theological prognostication, “a ghost of a chance.” Dr. Tim Feathers, a professor in the religious studies program at Stanford University in California says, “Considering the fact that hell itself is a theological construct, it’s simply impossible to say exactly how hot it is. We assume it’s hot. Very hot. All the ancient scriptures say it is. But that’s a subjective opinion. What’s hot to one individual may not be perceived as such by another. Like most biblical literature, it’s open to interpretation. On the off chance that it’s actually temperate, maybe even a tad chilly, it’s not beyond impossible that a snowball might survive for some time, if not actively flourish.”
His colleague, Dr. Jerry Grizzard of Jesus State in Seffner agrees with the overall assessment but differs on just how realistic that snowball’s chances are. “The flames of Hell are all consuming!” He roared. “They blaze eternal with the power of a million suns, torturing men’s souls relentlessly, forever and ever in burning agony. Any snowball introduced to that will be vaporized instantaneously.”
The two men argued briefly before Grizzard said, “As a unit last season, the Bucs allowed a passer rating of 117.0 — the highest allowed rating in the league!”
Feathers conceded, “Yeah, and starting three rookies on D to start the season isn’t going to help.” They shook hands and went off to lunch but not before turning in unison and saying, “Cleveland is going to be a motherfucker though.”