TNF breaks down the 2020 Presidential Election issues

While at this point the idea of an undecided voter is just silly, it’s still possible, maybe even likely, that people don’t know how they feel about the pressing issues at stake in this election. As a media outlet with a not-insignificant following, we have an obligation to serve the public in a responsible manner. With that in mind, we’ll go through the most pertinent issues in detail one at a time so you can make up your mind as an informed voter.

• The economy – The main thing to keep in mind when it comes to the economy is that it’s extremely complicated. The person best suited to manage it is someone with not only a wide spectrum of skills and depth but someone with varied interests and pursuits, from the arts to nutrition to philanthropy to race car driving.
• Foreign policy – It’s safe to say that America’s reputation in the eyes of our global neighbors has taken a severe negative hit in recent years. Whoever is elected President needs to appoint a special envoy whose job will be to visit other countries and show that we’re still pretty cool and have our shit together. If Paul Newman was still alive, he’d be the ideal person to hold this position. He could bring along gift baskets packed with his delicious and healthy products whose sales benefit good, charitable causes.
• Healthcare – The best salad dressing I’ve ever had was Newman’s Own Thousand Island. It’s got a kick you won’t find in other Thousand Island dressings. I had it when I was in the hospital two years ago. But you can’t buy it in stores in America. It’s available domestically only to institutions and not on an individual retail basis. Something should be done.
• Supreme Court appointments – Have you ever seen “The Verdict”? Paul Newman is sensational as a washed up lawyer whose life and career has been ravaged by alcoholism, with one final, desperate shot at redemption.
• Violent crime – Unfortunately, I don’t believe Paul Newman would have played a credible Batman. While he certainly had the talent and would have been very convincing portraying the gravitas and just-below-the-surface rage necessary to bring Bruce Wayne to life, there’s no way the mask would have concealed his identity. The first time the Joker gazed into those piercing blue eyes he would have immediately said, “oh shit, you’re Bruce Wayne!”
• Coronavirus – Paul Newman’s best spaghetti sauce is the Sockarooni. Tomato Puree (Water, Tomato Paste, Citric Acid), Diced Tomatoes in Tomato Juice, Green Bell Peppers, Mushrooms, Red Bell Peppers, Salt, Carrot Puree, Onions, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Basil, Garlic, Black Pepper, Parsley, Fennel Seed, Oregano. It’s no contest.
• Guns – More guns is not the problem nor the answer to the problem. Neither is fewer guns. Let’s be completely honest here: the problem is too many dummies with too many guns. Let’s take all the guns we already have away from all the dummies and redistribute them to the gun owners who don’t have their heads up their asses. Here you go, non-dummies; some free guns! It’s your reward for not being a dummy. And yes, dummies, having your guns taken away from you is your punishment for being a dummy. Did you ever see “The Sting”? Paul Newman was no dummy.
• Race, gender and ethnic inequality – How are we still fighting about this? People are still resistant to the concept of accepting fellow human beings as equal? Come on already, folks. It’s like in “Slapshot” when Coach Reg Dunlop (played by Paul Newman) says “Jesus Christ, what a friggin’ nightmare…“
• Immigration – People always want to say that Jack Nicholson is sooooo cool. “Oh, look at him at the Lakers game, baked out of his mind! That’s sooooo cool!” I call bullshit. Paul Newman was always in control and therefor much cooler than Jack Nicholson could ever hope to be. Sure, you’d invite both to the biggest party of the year but when it was over, you’d invite Paul back.
• Climate change – In 1986, Prince wrote a song titled “Sometimes It Snows In April”. It’s a very sad song. Listen to it (It’s on the ‘Parade’ album) and see if you still think climate change is a good idea. The song isn’t about climate change but it will still make you sad. I don’t know if Prince was a Paul Newman fan but I’d assume he was. Why wouldn’t he be?