Following an incident involving a man running on the field during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl LV at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa last night, beloved and totally legitimate local media outlet Tampa News Force (TNF) is facing scurrilous accusations of orchestrating the cheap stunt to generate publicity.
“That’s outrageous and 100% untrue”, said Walter Blikker, TNF’s Director of Cheap Stunts to Generate Publicity, addressing the situation on a Zoom call Monday from Tampa. “These slanderous attacks are completely unfounded and insulting.”
He went on to detail how TNF was not and could not be involved in any way.
“For starters, the so-called streaker is a 31-year-old man from Boca Raton. Tampa News Force is fiercely loyal to the Tampa Bay Area and we would never go out-of-market to hire a streaker. Between USF and UT, there is a vast, virtually bottomless pool of Kyles and Chads right here that we could have gotten for the price of a single can of White Claw.”
“Second, I’ve seen other various, probably envious, media sources report that he was wearing a bikini, a bra, a tutu, a leotard. Idiots, that was a woman’s one-piece swimsuit, nothing more, nothing less. At least learn your basic women’s swimwear nomenclature before you try to smear us.”
“Lastly, he wasn’t even a streaker. He was fully clothed the whole time. Streakers are naked and you can be sure that if we had thrown a streaker out there, he would have been wearing nothing more than a tennis visor or a hat with our logo on it and a lit sparkler sticking out of his ass, while screaming ‘FIRE THE CANNONS!’ We would never put our name on such a shoddy, poorly-executed prank.”