Top 10 New Years Resolutions for 2025
As the greatest year of all of our lives comes to an end, the world is abuzz over what their new years resolutions will be and what they should chose. As it comes down to the line and people scramble to come up with something to tell their friends, here are the top trending, and most important, new years resolutions you could adopt in 2025.
Stop Bombing People
This sounds like a hard resolution, but in reality it’s more manageable than you may think. And I know you’re saying, “But what if I want to expand my socio-political domination of the world? Violence is the quickest and most effective way for me to do that?”
And trust me, I hear you. But until it can be done in a quicker and more effective and covert way, to cull the anger of populations, it’s best to hold off on that for now. Once technology advances in terms of methodically dismantling foreign governments, then you can go back to bombing! But until then give it a year or two off, for the sake of those around you.
Figure Out a Better Way To Exploit Poor People
If Luigi Mangione taught us anything this year, it’s that it’s too easy to figure out who’s fu*king everybody over. There needs to be more dilution of responsibility, maybe amongst a larger board of trustees, and a singular CEO should remain anonymous and nameless so they can never be identified for masterminding unspeakable acts against humanity with a blatant disregard for morality. 2025 is the year to change that behavior.
Start Your OnlyFans
As the number of people on earth without pornographic content of themselves dwindles, it’s time to help that number get lower by starting your own sex work. Technology has made it so easy to prostitute yourself digitally without ever having to see or touch anyone gross, at this point there is no logic against it. “Oh, your family will find out, your friends will find out.” No they won’t! But also, who cares! Once you slip them an extra $100 bill at the Olive Garden, they’ll be singing a different tune.
The President has sex with porn stars, so should you!
Build That Volcano in Your Backyard
For the last few years you’ve kept telling yourself you’re going to build a man-made volcano in your backyard, and you say, “I’ll do it next year. I’ll do it next year.” Well it’s time to finally build it. You’ve gone over the plans a thousand times in your head, you don’t have any blueprints, but you don’t need them. You know exactly what you want the volcano to look like and how you’re going to do it, you just haven’t pulled the trigger.
You’ve calculated it will cost around $400,000 and you don’t know where or how you will transport the tools you need to do the project, but you’ll figure it out once you start going. Just start doing it, and everything will fall into place. Stop putting it off.
Learn to Speak Dog
Dogs talk to each other somehow, nobody really knows. But they look at each other and start barking or panting or whatever so something’s going on. Figure that out. Do that.
Come up With Longer Lists When You Say You Will
Did you decide you needed to write an article about the “Top 10 New Years Resolutions?” Well figure out a complete list of 10 and don’t give on it halfway through
Tell Everybody to Back Off and Leave You Alone
Stop letting people tell you anything, you know what’s best of you in every facet of life. They don’t. They can’t live your life. They don’t know your truth. Block out the hate and negativity and continue to do exactly whatever it is you want.
Quantum Entangle
People keep chatting on the playground about warping time and space and you want to do that. Take a couple classes down at the Y on it, and come back a new and improved Quantum Entangler. Everybody can do it, and people keep laughing at your and teasing you because you can’t do it. Girls are like, “That guy can’t even Q-entangle, what a dweeb. We should kick his ass.”
And a lot of times they do.
And that sucks.
So stop getting your ass beat by girls on the playground lombasting you about your lack of Quantum Entanglement skills.
Go Green, Jerk Off Into Your Own Mouth
You thought I was going to finish a full article without saying something obscene and disgusting? No. I’m not. That’s actually part of my resolution, to make sure every article has a healthy dose of everything. Absurdism, sarcasm, truth, and blue-humor. This would fall into the category of blue-humor with a little bit of truth, sarcasm, and absurdism. There’s also a list of other categories that comment could fall into, and I’ll be making a separate top 10 list of what shoes are as well.
The Number #1 Resolution of 2025 is…. Drumroll please…
Cook More Homemade Meals!
I know, boring. But life is boring. The truth is boring. Most people aren’t going to do anything for the new year differently or even make a faux-resolution. A lot of people just don’t care about anything because they’re broke and miserable and mentally and physically ill. Everything is stacked up against us constantly and life is a never-ending bombardment of obstacles and issues and all we can do is our best to navigate them.
Try to avoid physical conflicts and toxic people. There you go. There’s your advice. Take that to the bank and then do something you do at banks after you get there. I don’t know. I’ve never been inside a bank. I keep my loot in a hobo-bindle I carry from train-car to train-car. I don’t even know if train-car needs to be hyphenated. Maybe it’s train car. I don’t know, or care. I have tenure at TNF so nobody can fire me no matter what.
I could light the building on fire with everyone in it and they’d have no legal right to do anything to me. You know what, maybe I’ve got a “new” new years’ resolution.
I also just remembered to add the ‘ on the word years before resolution. But I’m not scrolling back through the article to add any. Because you should be happy I’m doing any of this at all. Who are you to tell me anything ever? What have you done for me lately? Remember when Eddie Murphy joked about that phrase in his stand up? That was pretty funny right?
And that, is how you change the subject. Just something else I’m working on in 2025.
See you in 2026.
