Top 5 ways I would have sex with Caitlin Clark

Backshots

Hitting it “off the backboard” would be nice. Just see that Rick Owens body from behind.

Rimming

Basketball hoops have “rims” so what better way to sexually indulge in Caitlin Clark than rimming each other out?

Missionary

Old school, putting the “fun” in “fundamentals.” Plus I’d get to look at her pretty face

Ok, I’m sorry I can’t keep writing this article, I was sitting with the co-founder of the company and I pitched this as a headline and he laughed so I said I was writing it, but even for me this feels low.

Ah, who am I kidding, now that I’ve started writing it, I actually really love the idea and it made me laugh just recalling how the idea came to be, so I’m going to go back to the list of the top 5 ways I would have sex with Caitlin Clark

69

How nice would that be! And she’s tall too, so it would match up perfect, like a puzzle piece.

Indian style

Remember when you were a kid and your teachers would tell you to, “sit Indian style?” But then that was racist so it became just “Cross-legged” or “criss-cross-applesauce.”

The applesauce one was definitely used by teachers who had a little more flair. The kind of teachers who would sleep with their students. I had sex with every single one of my teachers growing up, with no exception.

Which got exhausting in grade school when you start having 7 classes a day.

Because I’d have to have sex with every single teacher, every single day, and that was just to maintain a C/D average.

But, you know, when you put yourself in a position like that, you just have to follow-through with what you started, so I was having sex 35 times a week with my 7 teachers.

It was mostly women, thank God. I would have been bummed (excuse the pun) if there were more guys. 

But I was able to grit my teeth through it, knowing that it would be back to a female teacher next period.

And speaking of periods, lots of them were past menopause, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that screwing up our fun, or wearing protection, or pulling out.

Yup, just casually hooking up with all my teachers from the moment I started school.

It was tough during pre-k, because of course, I couldn’t get it up yet. We called it “pre-cum pre-k”

Ok, wow, I shocked myself with that last paragraph. I had no idea where I was going with this story. I have no idea anything I’m going to write past the headline of any article and I love it that way. It’s like I’m reading the story with you, because I don’t know what’s going to happen either.

Like watch this. DINOSAURS SHOW UP.

Suddenly dinosaurs stomped out of a portal which ripped open in the center of the-

Ah who am I kidding. Myself? You?

I’m no artist.

I’m just a lowly reporter who still has to go to night school in an attempt to get my GED.

And yes, I do sleep with the night school teacher. And ugh, it’s not a good time.

I wish I didn’t have to sleep with all of my teachers.

Someone told me I didn’t, but I know that’s just more left-wing jargon I can’t really comprehend.

In conclusion, those are the top 5 ways I would have sex with Caitlin Clark