Top Five Bad Excuses for Not Voting (aside from just not wanting to)

Election Day is this Tuesday, November 3rd, with the race between Joe Biden and Donald Trump for President of the United States among many important issues set to be resolved by citizens participating in the democratic process of voting.

A lot of people have already voted. Others are waiting for the “official” day-of. Many, many others aren’t going to do it at all. Of those, quite a few people feel that not casting a ballot at all is making a statement of some sort and that’s their right. But some people are simply going to screw it up. Here are the Top Five Bad Excuses for doing that…

1. Daylight Savings Time – Whenever they change the clocks, it throws me off for weeks and I can’t even function. It’s dark at 6pm? Should I go to bed? Did I take a shower this morning? When am I supposed to eat dinner? What should I eat? Am I supposed to go to work? Do I have a job? Arrgh! Help me!
2. COVID – These are unprecedented times! What does that have to do with anything? It has everything to do with it. Unprecedented times!
3. Wait, what? – This is an election year?? How come I haven’t heard anything about it? You’d think somebody would have been talking about it, at least on social media. I haven’t seen, heard or read a thing about it!
4. Passive-aggressive behavior – Nobody cares about my opinions. You guys go ahead and vote and have a great time. I’ll just be over here, alone, not bothering anybody and putting up with the ramifications of your decisions that affect my life, not that you care, not that it matters. Whatever.
5. I DID vote… didn’t I? – I totally voted. There’s no way I didn’t. I remember every detail, specifically studying all the issues in-depth the night before filling out my ballot at home. It was last Wednesday afternoon and I was sitting at the dining room table and I used a brand-new black Pilot G2 extra fine point retractable ball pen that I bought in a five-pack at the Target on the corner of Gandy and Dale Mabry. I triple-checked that I filled it out accurately and completely. I finished at 3:24 pm, jumped in the car and hand delivered it to this guy standing in the middle of the intersection at Columbus and Nebraska who said he worked for the election company. I gave it to him along with the $5 filing fee he requested and he went straight into the Sunoco station where he said the official collection boxes were kept. I remember because he came out with a 40oz. bottle of Miller High Life and… oh. Oh fuck.