Last week, the entire world witnessed an altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Academy Awards presentation ceremony after Rock made a joke at the expense of Smith’s wife Jada, who suffers from alopecia areata. This has resulted in significant increases in two specific areas:
1) People Googling “alopecia areata”
2) People suddenly worrying that being held responsible for the things they say might carry negative consequences, in spite of years of evidence to the contrary.
Actually, to be fair, the second one is and has always been a thing. Somebody popping you in the mouth for saying something they don’t like, fairly or not, has always been something that could happen, but most people had stopped seeing it as a viable threat once they got used to saying things that other people don’t like on the internet.
But the conclusion many people have come to is that this incident means that now you can’t make fun of bald people anymore and that this is further evidence of “cancel culture” and that our freedoms are continuing to be stripped away as yet another special interest group is being deemed “OFF LIMITS” from jokes.
If you’re one of those people, the good news is that even with the baldies now being unjokeable about, there are still a few groups of human beings you can point and laugh at for their perceived shortcomings until you fart yourself to death, and you probably* won’t get punched in the face.
Here they are, along with how you might be able to get out of getting punched in the face…
- The Fats – You can make fun of them because they’re losers, who’ve put themselves in the condition they’re in by being lazy, gluttonous slobs. Never mind any kind of medical conditions, genetic predisposition or possibly some mental issues or stress factors they could be dealing with. HA HA HA! They’re fat! They eat donuts! HA HA HA! How you might get out of getting punched in the face: Say “Hey, look at me! I’m not exactly in Olympic athlete shape myself!”
- The Elderlies – You can make fun of them because they’re old and should be full of wisdom and knowledge, but they totally aren’t. HA HA HA! They’re old and they can’t do stuff! It’s like they don’t even know how to download apps! HA HA HA! How you might get out of getting punched in the face: They’re old. If they come at you, just push them down and run away. Or even just walk away. They’re not much of a threat.
- The Italians – You can make fun of them because aay, fuggedabout it! Wassamatta you? Olive Garden! The Mafia! Tarantella Napoletana! Mario and Luigi! Guido and Giuseppe! HA HA HA! The picture on every pizza box from every Italian restaurant! HA HA HA! How you might get out of getting punched in the face: Say “Hey, I love ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘Goodfellas!'”
- The Southerners – You can make fun of them because everybody from south of the Mason Dixon Line (which, who even knows what and where that is) is so stuuuuupid! It’s that accent. If they have a southern accent, they’re automatically dumb. HA HA HA! It doesn’t matter if you have a Masters Degree from Duke or Vanderbilt, two of the best universities in America; your name is Maynard, you drive a pick-up truck, you’re dating your cousin and you’re a huge racist! HA HA HA! How you might get out of getting punched in the face: Quote any Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a redneck if…” joke. Make sure you do the accent.
- The Vegans/Vegetarians – What’s the difference? Who cares? You can make fun of them because those freaks don’t eat meat! HA HA HA! They care about what they eat for health reasons and/or out of concern for animals! HA HA HA! How you might get out of getting punched in the face: Die many years before they do because of your terrible diet.