Skip to content

West Tampa man has greater appreciation of freedom, due to COVID-19

Happy Memorial Day

Brian Godswalz of West Tampa says the COVID-19 pandemic has helped him realize how important his rights and freedom as an American citizen really are. 

“To be honest, it was something I took for granted”, says Godswalz. “I mean, I never served in the military. For that matter, I’ve never even been in any kind of situation where I might have to sacrifice anything for the sake of others. Now, after seeing examples set by various people around the country reacting to various quarantine restrictions, I’m so thankful for those who did make sacrifices, knowing that they did so with the intent of letting me do whatever I want!”

I asked him to elaborate, but before he could reply, his phone rang. He answered the call and put it on speaker…

KINSEY: Hello Mr. Godswalz. This is Kinsey from Dr. Meadow’s office, calling to confirm your eye exam appointment this Saturday morning at 10:20. Please arrive 15 minutes early…
GODSWALZ: (mouthing “watch this” to me, before interrupting her) Why do I need to arrive early? I already have a scheduled appointment time.
KINSEY: Well, there’s a little bit of paperwork to fill out before the doctor starts your exam…
GODSWALZ: Why do I need to fill out paperwork? I’m having my eyes checked, not my penmanship (winks at me and gives thumbs-up gesture). 
KINSEY: Yes sir, but we need to confirm your personal information, like your address and phone number and whether or not you have applicable insurance.
GODSWALZ: Why do you need my personal info? So you can send a drone strike to seize my guns? I don’t think so. 
KINSEY: Guns…?
GODSWALZ: I don’t have to give you that information – nor my guns, for that matter – and I’m not going to. 
KINSEY: Okay, but we also need to know if you have any pre-existing medical conditions that might…
GODSWALZ: Not necessary. I’m not worried about you getting me sick. And if it happens, it happens. I’m not my life living in fear!
KINSEY: No, it’s not for our benefit. But if you have diabetes or high blood pressure or any other factors that the doctor needs to take into consideration…
GODSWALZ: Listen, Kelly…
KINSEY: My name is Kinsey…
GODSWALZ: I’ll be there at 10:20, not a minute earlier. In fact, I might even be late if I decide to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and the line is long because it’s my goddamn right to exercise my freedom in spite of your paranoia (hangs up)

He looked at me and said, “Wasn’t that great? I had no idea that not only could I act that way toward someone just doing their job without repercussions, but that I could act that way and be supported by fellow citizens and high-ranking government leaders!” I asked him if it wouldn’t be easier for all involved if he just showed up for his eye exam 15 minutes early, and he spit at me.

I started to voice an objection and he cut me off. “Before you lecture me about freedom not being free and that rights come with responsibility, let me clue you in on something regarding this alleged pandemic,” he said. “People are going about these quarantine restrictions the wrong way. The human body has to get immunity to viruses and bacteria. Have you ever watched War of the World? The aliens died because they couldn’t build up immunity to our bacteria and viruses. Same goes for us. I’m being responsible by teaching people. I’m educating the panicked!”

I pointed out that someone who directly equates how outer space monsters died in a movie with how the human immune system functions is probably not suited to be educating anyone about anything, to which he replied, “And yet, here I am. Me, and other people who think like me, out here teaching fools.” He sighed, folded his hands behind his head, reclined and said, “This is truly a glorious time to be alive. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54