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Ybor City criminal speaks out: “Too many bicyclists”

As Tampa Bay becomes more and more biker-friendly, certain criminals are finding it harder and harder to commit felonies.

Tampa News Force had the pleasure of doing a sit-down interview in an unlit parking lot late last night with a criminal effected by the bikes. 

The man, who would only identify himself as Schmitty from the City, finds the number of bicyclists to beannoying. Said Schmitty, “It’s awful, man! You’re trying to go down to the corner store to rob the cash register, and you get stuck behind a guy on a bicycle who won’t stay in his lane. And don’t even get me started on the getaways. Sometimes to get them to peddle faster, I fire my gun into the sky. If they keep slowing me down, I might have to test how bullet-proof those bike helmets are. Those bikers better look both ways when they cross my street if you know what I’m saying.”

Tampa News Force then asked for clarification on what he was saying, to which Schmitty replied, “Is this interview being recorded? I don’t like that. Delete that! Delete what I just said. Bro- c’mon bro it’s against the 3rd amendment to record me!According to The Declaration of Evanesence! Man, you better delete that.”

The complaint that bikers are inhibiting the flow of crime comes as the mayor heightens his campaign to convert Tampa Bay to being more biker-friendly. The mayor is quoted as saying in a recent speech, “I hate crime and love bikes. Vote for me today!” The next election is not until 2027.

Schmitty from the City does appear to have some support in the local government as a staffer was overheard to have said, “Me personally? I don’t know how to ride a bike, but I love doingcrime.” He continued, “I got two more DUIs before I need to learn how to ride a bike.”

Statistics show that with the rise in bicyclists, corner store robbery is down 54%, but, thankfully, bike theft is up 98%.

Schmitty from the City called on his fellow Tampa Bay residents for help robbing bikes. Said Schmitty, “We can’t just vote, what’s that supposed to do? You gotta take matters into your own hands. Buy a gun, get a saw, and get down to Ybor City. If you don’t want the bike, just take the tires. They go for $5 on Etsy if you label it a lazy susan.”

Schmitty was then distracted by a biker riding near the interview. He screamed, “Hey! Hey! You better get outta here before I come over there! You think you’re safe?” He then pulled out a pair of bolt cutters and a gun before chasing the bicyclist, screaming, “You can’t hide from me with all that reflective gear! You’re done for!”

Ethan Dayo

About Ethan Dayo

Stand-up comedian and writer. Also 4th grade cornhole champion and lockdown cornerback in his church league's flag football.