Top 5 Games Presidents Should Play Instead of Golf

As long as there have been Presidents of the United States, Presidents of the United States have played golf. This is a tradition that dates all the way back to George Washington, who squeezed in a quick 18 holes at Valley Forge Rolling Oaks back in 1777.

Yet, every time the President plays golf, it’s deemed newsworthy and someone gets upset about it. During the 1,461 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, he’s reported to have played somewhere between 250 to 300 rounds of golf. To date, President Joe Biden has played just once since taking office on January 20th. People are bothered by both of these stats. To some, any amount of golf is too much golf for the nation’s chief executive. Maybe it’s time for golf to be replaced by a more suitable leisure pursuit for holders of the highest elected office in the nation. With that in mind, here are five helpful suggestions…

5. Cornhole

Everybody loves cornhole. It’s fun, low-stakes and is almost always associated with drinking. It’s a lot like rec league softball with much lower likelihood of blowing out any knees or tendons or breaking your collarbone or any other serious injuries incurred trying mistakenly to recapture the glory of your high school athletics career. The White House has a beautiful lawn. This is an ideal set-up!

4. Dominoes

Dominoes is a family of tile-based games that include Domino Whist, Matador, Muggins (All Fives), Texas 42, Chicken Foot, Concentration, Double Fives, and Mexican Train. These games require degrees of strategy and skill, as well as an element of luck. They have been traditionally very popular in urban communities among African-American and Latinx cultures, both of which are woefully underrepresented in American society. It would be nice if the President spent a couple of hours a week slappin’ bones.

3. Pictionary

Being good at Pictionary requires a good vocabulary and some artistic ability. Have we ever had a President who had both of those attributes?

2. Murderball

“Murderball” is the more accurate descriptor applied to the game of Wheelchair Rugby. It’s people in wheelchairs playing rugby, okay? And if it wasn’t obvious enough already, it’s relentlessly bad ass. It’s only played by hardcore maniacs who give less than a half shit about their own bodies and even less than that about yours, because if you’re a weak-ass, pussy little bitch, you will wash right the fuck out. If we had a President who played Murderball, we wouldn’t even need stockpiles of weapons to keep other countries in line.

1. How about a nice game of “DO YOUR GODDAMN JOB”?

Dear Mr. or Ms. President of the United States (depending on who’s reading this and when),
Uh, in case you haven’t noticed, things are kind of fucked up right now. Which things in particular? Ummm, how about all of them! That’s why we hired you, specifically to fix the (insert name of any one of thousands of serious societal issues here). Remember? You gave speeches and paid for advertisements saying you wanted this job. Well, congrats; you got it, champ! So how about instead of worrying about what game you want to play, you do the damn job for which you were hired??