19 sentences guaranteed to make you smile

By analyzing keyword hotspots and human endorphin burst-science, we’re able to bring you a carefully curated collection of sentences that are guaranteed to brighten your day and put a smile on your face:

“The dog and cat gave birth to kittens and puppies at the bisexual, interracial, transcendental meditation ceremony.”

“You won the lottery and your family is forever proud and grateful for your contributions to humanity.”

“Candy and sugar raises your intelligence and makes you more attractive to your peers, and predecessors.”

“The award for cutest pot pie has been given to your old high school gym teacher.”

“Free lunch money is being swirled around a genderless slush fund only accessible by you and your closest friends.”

“All clothing at your favorite stores are now free only for you and people you chose who will be very happy to hear this good news.”

“Your thoughts are considered the most profound ideas in the history of the world and you will be given whatever you dream of until the end of eternity.”

“Star Wars and Avatar will be giving out free merchandise down the street from the bath house near the ice cream shop.”

“Your genitals are clean and ready for use.”

“First class tickets in your name are waiting for you in the foyer when it pleases you to claim them.”

“The train is leaving the station at 6 o’clock and heading towards Amsterdam, while your presentation is played internationally on the Jumbotron.”

“Penguins and lizards share a common ancestor which has been baked into this bread pudding.”

“Cops gun projects golden rainbows throughout the town square.”

“Free love flows from the earth and the stars into your ballroom during your first dance.”

“Licorice dream boat gooey cream pie surprise awaits the fantastical furry mammal.” 

Welp, those are the sentences guaranteed to make you smile. Did you smile? Comment below if you did. Also I didn’t count if that was 19. I don’t care. I’m currently at the morgue waiting to identify the bodies of my friends and family who were on the charter plane which mysteriously fell out the sky. I have a few minutes before the mortician has the bodies presentable so I figured I’d crank out some work to distract myself from the horrendous thing which is now my life. Oh well, that’s just life I guess right. One minute you’re winning a sweepstakes to fly your 25 closest friends and family out to a Hawaiian island, the next minute, you’re late and miss the flight, and the flight crashes killing everyone you know. Them’s the breaks.