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God decides during pride month gays can go to heaven

The creator of everything, God, notorious for being against the concept of homosexuality, has decided to soften his stance on same-sex love, by allowing gay people to get in to heaven during pride month.

“I’ll be honest, hell is just becoming too gay, I’ve sent so many gay people there, and I get so much heat for it, pardon my pun, that I figured this would be a good opportunity to get in people’s good graces, by letting homosexuals into heaven during pride month.” God said via a message burned into my toast.

“I’m not just letting all gay people into heaven that month though, you still have to be a good person despite the mortal sin of being a homosexual. So like, I’m sure I will still be sending plenty of gay people to hell that month, but not as many as usual.” The very long piece of toast concluded.

The news has caused the LGBTQ+ community to rejoice across the world.

“We are going to make sure we die at the end of pride month this year.” Said Pablo Enrico, motioning towards his partner, Enrique Paolo.

“We chose to become gay last February, I mean, we were born gay, and it’s not fair that we’re destined to hell despite our good-natured intent and spirit. We plant trees and pick up trash on the highway, I mean sure that’s because it was forced community service ordered by the court because we kidnapped babies from a day care and then sold them to Ukrainian youth ministers who traded us club drugs for the small infants, but that was just a minor hiccup in our what-would-normally-be good-natured, wholesome, fun, lifestyles.” Exclaimed and exasperated Enrico.

Then Enrico made out with Paolo.

I’m sorry, my neck hurts, and I’m writing this article while sitting on the floor.

My TNF news desk was repossessed while I wasn’t in the office and now all of my furniture is gone and nobody told me why.

I asked my bosses why all my stuff was gone but they haven’t responded to my calls or emails yet.

I’m in an empty office sitting on the ground with nothing but my large series 1 apple computer which takes up most of the room. They never sprung for a laptop, they repossessed this old 80’s computer from a drug dealers warehouse, he was a collector of old tech, and somehow they repurposed it with nothing but one word program that I can use to type articles. And that’s not easy either. The keyboard is the size of that piano Tom Hanks plays in the movie Big. I literally burn 6,000 calories every time I write a story. The floor of my office is stained from my sweat and reeks like a locker room at a bullfighting complex.

I’m assuming the computer was too big to repossess that’s why it’s still here.

But back to the story.

God also said, in the form of a dream that a religious leader had who everyone respects and wouldn’t question, “I’m letting gays in only for this one month, but don’t get too comfortable. If I get moody again, I have no problem treating everyone like I treat the gays and flooding this whole damn planet again. I can make more people and do this all over again whenever I want so you should be happy that homosexuals are the only group that I send directly to hell without passing GO and collecting $200. I could send all of you to hell just like that.” And God snapped his fingers, according to the religious leader explaining his dream.

“I’m tired of people trying to cancel me when I could literally cancel all of humanity. It’s like you guys forget I’m omnipotent and all-powerful. You need to relax with your free spirits. And I know I gave you all freedom of autonomy and the ability to choose to do whatever it is you want to do, but sometimes I regret it. I don’t know, there is no right or wrong answers for most of life, but all I know is that you’re not supposed to stick your pointy, male, genitalia, into other men’s buttholes. That’s meant to release waste! Not be poked! It’s not right! You’re screwing up what I designed and it’s bugging me!” God had a temper tantrum in the religious leaders’ dream.

However despite the message on the piece of large toast and the religious leaders, carefully recollected dream, a new development is challenging these messages, as a man claiming to be Jesus appeared in the center of the LA freeway, completely naked, and has declared that he is gay.

Some people are questioning the legitimacy of whether or not this man is actually Jesus returned and if he is also indeed gay, but to prove his legitimacy, the man claiming to be Jesus, levitated above the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas, and then sawed a woman in half and put her back together.

“See, does that convince you that I’m the Messiah?” Said the man claiming to be Jesus during his appearance on the View.

Someone in the crowd yelled, “Ok, well now prove you’re gay!”

So the man claiming to be Jesus invited the man down to center stage and began hugging him tightly but not kissing him.

“If you were really gay, I think you’d kiss me.” The audience member said.

“Ok, fine, you’re right. I’m not gay. I am Jesus, but I’m not gay. I was just trying to piss off my dad. You know how it is. Sometimes you want to rebel against your parents. And in this case, I wanted to make my dad mad by being gay.”

Then Jesus vanished in thin air, and the voice of God boomed throughout the View studio.

“Jesus has been erased! In 5 seconds none of you will know who Jesus is and your memory of him ever existing will be gone!” Then there was a large flash in the room and Joy Behar cracked some joke about republicans and the whole audience laughed.

I can’t remember who or what I was writing about.

But the point is, gays can get in to heaven during pride month if they are also good people or even want to go to heaven. I’ve been talking to my psychic medium friends down at the Y, and they tell me based on what they’ve been hearing from souls on the other side, that hell is like club med these days. And I don’t know what club med is but I’ve heard it referenced in old movies so I’m assuming it’s some sort of like, club or something? It was always kind of used as a punchline in the references that I saw so I’m assuming it has a negative connotation. I don’t know. Good bye, my legs are tired from jumping around this giant piano-style keyboard.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds