Tampa to Open 55+ Only Target

In an effort to combat retail theft, Target has announced a new store in Tampa that will only allow customers who are over 55 years or older.

“Our records show that the 55+ community is the only group of people that doesn’t steal on purpose,” said Target CEO Williard Targeuet. “Most people under 55 years of age steal all the time when using our self-checkout machines.”

After reviewing over 100,000 self-checkout transactions, the 55+ community were more likely to forget to scan an item, while younger demographics visibly stole on purpose.

“This new store will only have stuff that people who are over 55 will want, so nothing that is too expensive would get stolen,” said Targeuet.

I was then given a tour of the new Target, but when I walked in I had to scan my eyeball.  The scanner made a large beeping noise and I was shot with a tazer.

Target hopes to transition all existing stores to the 55+ model within the next two years to capitalize on all the old people who are continuing to move to Tampa.