Annoying piece of shit gets fucked up

This loud asshole who wouldn’t quit flapping his yapper got what was coming to him after being hit with a doorknob from a moving car. Some reckless teens causing mischief and driving fast saw the loud guy who everyone didn’t like and figured he would be a good target of their tom foolery. So they whipped a loose doorknob at him at a high velocity and it knocked him out cold, a clean, dead on, headshot from a sizable distance.

People secretly rejoiced but feigned concern for the assholes health after the blunt force trauma, but there was a clear aura of joy surrounding the unconscious asshole.

“This is just… I don’t know.” Said one bystander who held in a smirk.

“I just… I don’t really know what to say about this.” Continued the interviewee.

“I mean it’s just like… Yea.” They concluded.

The asshole was not quite rushed to the hospital, but taken there in a slightly quicker than normal pace.

“When he got here, we all knew who he was, because I mean… he’s not very well liked amongst the community.” Said the doctor who checked him out.

“He was in a coma, and he has no family who were here to discuss what to do about his care, so we debated pulling the plug on him… but we’re letting him rest here, being kept alive by the machines for now.” Shrugged the doctor.

“It is admittedly a real bummer that we have to take care of this guy and see him in our hospital every day.” Said the doctor.

“But I mean… I guess we have to like… take care of him for now… it’s our job.” The doctor frowned a little bit.

The asshole who’s in a coma now has not been missed by anyone around the neighborhood, and in fact, there is a palpable feeling of happiness spreading throughout the community.

“This is just the bee’s knees.” Said Clarence Nightingale, a former WWE referee, who now milks cows for charity.

“That asshole was really something, and I’m just so, so, happy he’s not out here, and I don’t care who knows it!” Nightingale jumped and clicked her heels, whistling a little tune.

But as the days went on, the community began to miss the asshole.

They had nobody to hate on anymore.

“I guess we really ‘said goodbye to the bad guy.’” Joked Walter Hesh, quoting Al Pacino’s character in Scarface, doing the accent and everything.

“Maybe we needed that asshole so we could all feel better about ourselves by channeling our hatred towards him.”

The town has since devolved into madness with citizens murdering each other left and/or right. 

“I just want to kill everyone now that the asshole is in a coma.” Said Meldrick Flynt, studying to be a gynecologist. 

“We need him back.”

The townspeople, gathered around the assholes hospital bed and did sacred chants and illegal witchcraft to attempt to wake the asshole up. It worked.

“What the hell!” The asshole exclaimed coming back to reality.

“Fuck you asshole!” The townspeople cheered, crying and hugging each other.

“I don’t understand what’s going on.” The asshole questioned.

The town went back to normal, and everyone went back to hating the asshole, but the town felt slightly nicer now and even the asshole was slightly less of an asshole, despite being terribly confused as to what had just happened.