Tampa Towers – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 4.3.2019
One of the two “Tampa Towers” in Tampa’s Channel District will now become a full-time 40-story dance club, according to an official statement from the “Tampa Towers” realty office.
“Due to a strange turn of events, and a lack of rentals in one of our towers, the West Tower will now officially be called ‘Malaysia’ and be a 40-story dance club, featuring different music on every floor, including but not limited to: Reggaeton, Rap, Club, Dance, Hip-Hop, Pop, Trance-Pop, K-Pop, and others.”
I tore down the notice from the cork board and began walking while continuing to read. “Some investors from another country, which we would prefer not to reveal (however we will say they all drove Gold Range Rovers) decided to buy-out the three remaining residents who lived in the West Tower so that they could convert the entire building into a dance club, complete with DJ and VIP booths on every other floor.”
I realized there’s more on the notice, many, many paragraphs of explanations on why the West Tower has been sold, but I don’t care. I ripped the statement in half and said out loud to no one in particular, “I want to see this place for myself.”
I sprinted from the realty office to the emergency exit in the East Tower and kicked the door open, as it swung open it nearly hits a guy who’s holding one of those four-cup-holders of coffee, “Whoa man, what was that!” I apologized and he was fine with it because he didn’t spill any coffee or get hit which helped him stay positive and optimistic instead of focusing on the negative that he almost suffered physical pain and monetary loss and likely the admiration of the friends he was bringing coffee to.
There was a line around the building as I arrived at the West Tower. However the building is a circle, so the line wrapped around itself numerous times like the lines at Disney or the airport, or the bank, separated by thin red velvet ropes attached to most-likely fake gold totems which are very loose at the base. Everyone was wearing rhinestone button-ups with no undershirt which reflected the blindingly bright lights from the club. This explained why everyone was wearing sunglasses.
I walked up to the front of the line confidently, “Hey bouncer, I’m from Tampa News Force, and for a story, I was wondering if I could come in and see what this abandon-building-turned-nightclub is like, would that be ok?” The bouncer stared at me for a really long time, then whispers into a pony-tailed guys ear next to him. The pony-tail guy got really mad and stormed off. The bouncer then goes, “Yes, you can come in.”
It was really nice inside. The people didn’t seem to be, but the decor was very pleasant and looks how you’d imagine a gay vampire would decorate his house. I ordered a bud light and was charged $32. I asked why it’s so much and the bartender said, “It’s a special event.” She then got mad at me for looking into her eyes and said, “Hey my breasts are down here,” as she pointed towards her bust.
I walked through the crowd, and by that I mean I awkwardly forced myself physically into a jam packed hallway that people were grinding in the middle of. While exploring the dance floor I came across a stairwell that read, “Top floor, VIP, TNF-Only.” I thought, “Surely they can’t be talking about Tampa News Force? I’m part of that, I should be allowed in!” I opened the door to see a winding staircase that goes up at least 100 floors, even though the building is only 40-stories. I got through about 15 floors and took a smoke break.
While sitting on the stairs having a smooth and refreshing 305 Menthol 100’s, a little Dobby-looking gremlin daintily walked down the steps from the upper-floors and greeted me.
“I be a little gremlin, ya see? And I’m here to grant you wishes of three. If you’d like to me grant your first wish, on my lips, then you must kiss,” I leaned in to kiss the gremlin on the lips, because even though none of this sounds believable, why take the risk of not getting three wishes?
So I lean in to kiss the gremlin, and the gremlin stopped my face with its hands goes, “Whoa! Not those lips!” And points downwards. It’s at this point that I realize the article is totally gone, and none of this is coherent or even vaguely funny anymore. What was once a semi-legitimate piece of satire has now become a full-blown fantasy-diary entry on a website which contains comedy and entertainment, and sometimes information.
I’m sorry for wasting your time, you deserve better out of a fake news article. Not some childish nonsense that barely makes any sense. But what do you think was at the top of the steps behind that “TNF-Only” door? Do you think it was a special VIP floor for TNF contributors only? A magical place of love and friendship amongst fellow creatives, all on a mission to raise the credibility of Tampa’s comedy and satire scene? That’s what I’d like to think.
But just for the record, that’s not what it meant. I actually looked into it. The “Top floor, VIP, TNF-Only” room was actually something really unacceptable and not really ok to talk about. It’s something that I’m choosing not to speak about for a number of different reasons including current pending legal litigations. In fact, What I saw in that room not only changed me for the worse. It also changed me for the better. And that my friends, is why you don’t drink on an empty stomach. The End.