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Bucs More Dedicated Than Ever to Not Winning a Championship

Raymond James Stadium – Hillsborough County – Tuesday 4.2.2019

After finishing their second season in a row with a record of 5 wins and 11 losses, the Bucs are setting their sights on something greater.

“I think we could easily lose every game on the schedule this season,” boasts Tampa Bay’s new head coach Bruce Arians. “That matches the spirit of the whole organization.”

The Buccaneers are rededicating themselves to not winning a championship, and it shows. One Buc Place was teeming with energy as Arians and his staff reviewed their strategy for the upcoming draft.

“This team really sucked last year, but next year, I think we can REALLY suck.” said Arians. He currently holds the distinction of having never been fired in any of his other coaching positions.

“It was a no brainer to come to Tampa,” said Arians. “This is the type of place I’ve always wanted to be fired from, and I think we have a great chance at that this year.”

Arians isn’t the only one bursting with enthusiasm. Bucs QB Jameis Winston is ready for a bounceback season.

“Hold up,” said Winston, walking into the restroom. 45 minutes later he was an open book. “Last year was rough for me. I started the season on suspension, earned back my starting position, but was benched 2 more times before the end of the season. I let myself down. I let my fans down. This year, I’m confident I can prove I have what it takes to be benched the entire season.”

Last year’s backup QB sensation Ryan Fitzpatrick echoed that sentiment, “with the kinds of weapons the Bucs have on offense, it’s easy to imagine almost any quarterback could be benched with that team,” he said from equally sunny and higher paying Miami.

But the offense isn’t the only bright spot on this team, the Defense is ready to prove the doubters. “I’ve been to the Pro Bowl plenty of times, no big deal,” said team captain and DT Gerald McCoy. “If you keep praising me I’ll keep doing nothing.”

His energy is infectious in the locker room, McCoy is known to keep the defense on the right track. “No one can beat us but us, and I believe we can,” boasted McCoy.

Even the average fan knows the path to not winning a championship starts with not winning the division. The Bucs have been known for using unorthodox preparation techniques for their NFC South rivals Atlanta, Carolina, and New Orleans. Most notably, not preparing at all.

“That strategy served this team well for many years,” said Bucs Defensive coordinator Todd Bowles. “But this year we really need to immerse ourselves in our preparation.”

Our insiders revealed the team will be having theme days in the cafeteria. When questioned on the subject, Bucs QB Jameis Winston spilled the beans, “Lunch has always been my favorite part of football. Did you know crawfish are like little lobsters?”

Indeed, the New Orleans cafeteria theme day will include crawfish, gumbo, king cake, and begnets.

“I love them little lobsters,” continued Winston. “We chose Monday for New Orleans because they’re the defending division champs and I love them little lobsters, so Monday for sure. Then Tuesday and Wednesday had to be Atlanta and Carolina because Thursday is fish sticks and Fridays are pizza so there wasn’t really any room to fuck around.”

Our insiders have revealed Atlanta’s cafeteria day will feature shrimp and grits with sweet tea. Finally, Carolina’s lunch day will be the entire Bojangle’s menu flown in on private jet.

“We’re all extremely excited about the lunches around here,” said coach Arians, “That’s the kind of culture from which you can grow a not championship winning team.”

Not winning a championship has permeated this entire organization. “If anyone can’t do it, we can,” said Bucs owner Joel Glazer. Time will tell, but it looks like the Bucs are off to a great start to their goal of not winning a championship.


  1. Avatar John Whitmer on April 2, 2019 at 12:53 pm

    Excellent long distance reporting from Boston, Kevin. How’s the Chowder up there?

  2. Avatar SportsChump on April 3, 2019 at 2:17 pm

    You can’t spell “lozer” without Joel Glazer.