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Amscot to Begin Happy Endings

After receiving numerous complaints of bad customer service, Amscot The Money Superstore, has announced that they will begin providing happy endings to customers that ask for one.

“We used to just give out large handfuls of Tootsie Rolls and that wasn’t making our customers happy,” said Robert Amscot, the founder of Amscot. “Our customers are stuck in a cycle of debt and interest payments, so the least we can do is pleasure them a little because we’re already fucking them.”

Every Amscot store will now feature a happy ending booth, similar to a gloryhole, and staff have been trained on how to pleasure all genders in-case they ask for a happy ending after they receive their cash advance. 

“We hope this will ensure we continue our very profitable loan shark business,” said Amscot.  “Did I say loan shark? I meant to say cash advance. We do give cash advances to people because sometimes they need cash immediately, no questions asked, with a 25% APR.”

With the upcoming changes, Amscot hopes to cut back on the number of Tootsie Rolls they purchase to save money and pass the savings on to customers.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos