Anti-hack device being test marketed at St. Pete open mic
A new device designed by developers in St. Petersburg to prevent hacking, but not computer crime, is being tested at performance venues in St. Pete.
“For too long, audiences and performers alike have been under siege by corny, would-be, self-styled ‘artists’, foisting off their tired, uninspired and often stolen material”, says Dennis Marsoop, an inventor and former spoken-word poet. “I’m talking about hacks, not hackers.”
With that, he introduced his partner Brian Flarng, an engineer and former improv/stand-up comedy enthusiast who gestured toward the stage at Edie’s Ethnobotanical Kava Bvar on Central Avenue, where a weekly mixed-media open mic was taking place.
“What we’ve done is designed a voice-activated algorithm hard-wired to a a machine that triggers a spring-loaded trap door, which causes the hack to drop down into a pit below, where they can’t be heard or seen until released by venue managers or event promoters,” said Marsoop. “The algorithm recognizes certain words and phrases, when arranged in certain orders and combinations, that indicate that the delivery of something hack is imminent.”
“The prospective offender is given fair warning before the device activates”, said Flarng. “There are yellow lights positioned on the stage, visible to anyone near the microphone but not to the audience, so as not to distract. These lights blink brighter and more intensely as the shopworn bits progress. If the hack sees the lights and changes course, they’re allowed to finish their set undisturbed. If not…”
Almost as if on cue, a young man in an X-Men t-shirt bounded up on stage and yanked the microphone from its stand.
“Hey hey hey everybody! Give it up for your host”, he exclaimed, causing the yellow lights to flicker. “Has anybody here ever…” He noticed the lights as they began blinking rapidly and abandoned the bit and attempting to try something else. He was able to utter, “So I’m single” before a siren went off, the trap door opened and he dropped out of sight before the door slammed closed.
Freed from the pit later, hours after the open mic had finished, the ‘comic’, who identified himself as Ass Berger (“Not my real name”) from Tampa said, “That machine is messed up. I was just going to talk about how it’s hard for me to be in a relationship because I’m white and my penis isn’t very big. That’s an idea I came up with and wrote while smoking weed. I also have a bit about how I smoke A LOT of weed. Several bits about that, actually. By the way, are there any cops here tonight? Gosh, I sure hope not… except for that one cop who is also my weed dealer! I come up with hilarious, raw, honest, weird stuff like that, like, all the time. That’s just how my twisted mind works!”
No longer on stage but within earshot of the anti-hack device, the trapdoor was opening and closing so rapidly that it was producing a pleasant breeze.
“Oh well. Nothing to do except keep on grinding”, he said as he jumped in his car and drove back to Tampa.
Marsoop and Flarng say the device works on music and poetry as well. “Any poem that mentions darkness and one’s soul in the same line is liable to draw a reaction, for example”, said Marsoop. “Also, strumming the opening chords to ‘Creep’, ‘Wonderwall’ or ‘Imagine’ on a ukulele”, said Flarng.
