New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is enlisting the help of the Hillsborough County Sheriffs Department to find hundreds, maybe thousands of Patriots fans who have suddenly disappeared.
“Mr. Kraft has brought it to our attention that several of the most devoted supporters of his football team are missing,” said Sheriff Chad Cronister at a press conference at his office on 8th Avenue in Ybor City yesterday afternoon. “We need the public’s assistance in this matter.”
“The mass disappearance seems to coincide with two recent, seemingly unrelated events; one, the Patriots being eliminated from the NFL playoff race for the first time since 2008 and two, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, led by former Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, clinching a playoff berth for the first time since 2007,” he said. “Okay, maybe they are related.”
Kraft, who was present at the press conference said, “Our hope is that these people, many of whom might be hot, young Asian women, will be found safe and sound, as quickly as possible. And then we can try to find a safe and sound Asian massage spa.”
When asked why the search is taking place in the Tampa Bay region and not in the New England area, Cronister said, “The people we’re looking for only have one connection to the Patriots: their winning record over the last couple of decades and all those Super Bowls. In all likelihood, they’ve never even been to Boston, let alone lived anywhere near there. They just like teams that win championships because they’re front-running phonies, not actual fans.”
Cronister said the county has set up two toll-free tip lines, 1-888-728-7785 (1-888-PAT-SSUK) and 1-800-462-7239 (1-800-GOB-RADY) and that Bay Arera residents should get in touch ASAP if they have any info. “Folks should be on the lookout for anyone wearing Tom Brady or Rob Gronkowski Bucs jerseys with the tags still on them,” he said. “Also, if you know a Los Angeles Lakers fan who used to be a Golden State Warriors fan and a Cleveland Cavaliers fan prior to that, or pretty much any New York Yankees fan, they should be considered a person of interest for the sake of this investigation.”
Kraft concluded the press conference, saying, “I’m offering rewards to hot, young Asian women of between $5,000 and $20,000 for information from hot, young Asian women about this case, so if you’re a hot, young Asian woman, please get in touch with me directly as soon as possible.” He added, winking, “ I’m staying at the Hard Rock.”