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“Beginners luck” no longer legal in casinos

Beginners Luck

“Beginners luck,” a term commonly used to describe someone who succeeds at something they’ve never tried before, has officially been banned from all casinos nationally, effective as of Monday.

To win money at a casino, the player must now have been gambling for a minimum of 3 years in the venue before they are allowed to win over $1,000 in a night.

“Too many people were coming in on vacation, and playing a slot machine for the first time, and winning a large sum of money, and leaving.” Said Reginald Bigwaters, head of the Hard Rock Casinos  division. 

“We can afford awarding these prizes, but in a new nationwide effort to maximize casino profits, we have made beginners luck illegal, and it has earned us billions in new revenue.” Bigwaters proudly divulged.

The new policy has sparked outrage amongst gamblers, however, none have stated they will spend less time gambling.

“That’s just more reason to win.” Said Grahm Blurr.

“I like the extra pressure, I think it will take my money manifestations to a new level. I win if I deserve to, and I have to believe I deserve it to get it.” Said Blurr, making absolutely no sense at all, but delivering very confidently.

Alright, I’ve had enough of this one. Is this website just a group diary disguised as satire news? I’m not sure? There is no right or wrong answers really, everything is subjective. Even the word subjective is subjective. That’s probably not true, but I’m sure you can do some mental gymnastics to get there.

I’ve been messing around with the font size on my computer while typing these articles. This one is really big font for me. And it’s kind of a sad reminder that my vision is getting worse the longer I use the computer and write.

I’m burning my retinas/corneas and my cones and rods are losing their… sharpness? Ability? I don’t know how eyes work, but that feels right. And what feels right inside is always more important than what is actually right. Always. “Trust your gut” they say. Feelings are way more valid than facts. Don’t let the… left-wing media fool you? Or is it right-wing media?

What’s with the wings? Are we flying? Is the government a plane? Where is the plane flying too? Hopefully not the financial district if you know what I mean. We all remember how THAT went. Do you remember? If you don’t remember feel free to comment below and I’ll try to communicate what it is I’m referring to. 

The new large font I’m typing in is making my notes app shake on my computer quicker than it normally would with smaller font and that’s bumming me out.

Ugh, there’s always a trade off, nothing can be easy can it? You think something is easy and smooth and then BAM, it’s not. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s smooth, rarely is it booth. I want to open up a music studio and call it the “John Wilkes Booth” you think any producers have already made that joke before? I’d guess yea. Alright, I just remembered this article was supposed to be about gambling, and I’ve been gambling with your attention for the last few paragraphs.

So I’m going to gracefully bow out of this article, and forfeit my remaining time back to the room. If anyone else wants to add to this article, feel free to print it out (nobody owns printers anymore) and mail it to me with your notes and additions and I will gladly read them and absorb them.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds