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Betty White is a cunt: here’s why

Betty White

I’m just kidding, I don’t think that at all, sorry for the offensive clickbaity title, I just had something important to tell you.

Ok, I couldn’t think of anything important. Maybe I just wanted to waste your time. I feel like we have that kind of relationship at this point right. I write, you read, that’s how this works. It’s a one-way street and it’s always going to be like that. 

It’s not that I don’t read what you write to me, I do, but nobody really writes so it’s like why try right? Why try when no one writes?

I’m joking, this is a fake news article, I’m about to get to the point, it’s right around the corner. And you might not be thinking this is how traditional fake news article are presented, but there are no rules when it comes to fake news. It’s all made up! Nothing’s real here! Just imagination and projection. I put letters together, you paint a picture in your head for a quick flash of a moment at least. Then it goes away and you probably never think of it again. Unless it’s got a really funny hook, you might picture it in your head in the future. Like if it’s a really provocative title, something you can’t help but imagine due to it’s utter bombastic abstraction.

Sorry my phone made noise I went away from this for about 5 minutes. I also switched up the way the pillow on the chair I’m sitting on is. It was on the seat part first, now it’s on the back part.

Is this the riveting kind of excitement you expected?

I’m describing the chair pillow situation.

“Coming up next, the chair pillow situation.” Said the News Anchor.

That’s what I imagine.

But yea I think the chair pillow on the back vs the bottom might be more physically logical. Back cushion, the butt doesn’t really need the cushion, it’s a cushion. Right?

More cushion for the pushing? Who said that? Was it Redman in the movie “How High?” It might be.

See that’s the kind of bombastic abstraction that sticks out and has a great hook because it rhymes and it’s easy to remember.

This probably isn’t like that.

Or maybe it is, I don’t know how you see things.

To me this is uh…. Work? I’m at the office typing up a fake news story at the very real organization. Copyrighted organization. So you corporate monsters can’t usurp us from under our own chair pillows.

Ok, I’ve got a few more of these to write, with actual topics, so I can’t use all my mental energy right here. 

I’ll see you in the next story!

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds