Black Drag Queen commits school shooting

This just in: apparently a transgender person who identifies as a “Drag Queen” of African American descent has shot up a public school, using some sort of gun device. No word yet on which school or what casualties there might be or if the person of interest has been apprehended. We will post updates on this story as it develops.

UPDATE: This didn’t happen. We were eating breakfast at Three Coins Diner and happened to hear a conversation among three Tampa Police Department (TPD) officers.

“Yeah, what we were talking about is people least likely to ever commit a school shooting and what we decided was that it’s probably Black Drag Queens, since they check the fewest boxes on the list of likely perpetrators. Like, zero chance statistically”, said TPD officer Wes N. Smith. “Don’t quote me or mention my name please. I’m not authorized to speak on behalf of the department on matters like this and you could get me in big trouble.”

We were really tired and hungry and not paying very close attention. It’s not like we were eavesdropping per se, but just kind of caught that snippet of conversation out of context. Generally, we try to mind our own business. It’s Saturday, for Pete’s sake; why would there be a school shooting? So stupid. I guess that’s what happens when you’re drunk at 6am. Oh well. Lesson learned and no harm done. At any rate, Tampa News Force deeply regrets the error but we’re going to leave the article up because that’s a pretty good headline and accompanying graphic.