“Blow Jobs for Bullies” program begins in Hillsborough Schools

A new program which aims to fellate the most troubled students is now underway in Hillsborough County schools. “Blow Jobs for Bullies,” a program started by philanthropist and motivational speaker, Reba Orchester, was the brain child of a group of community workers who all had similar experiences with bullies who were sexually frustrated and stressed out from a lack of sexual release.

“We found that all the bullies had something in common,” Orchester explained. “They weren’t coming.”

Orchester walks me down the hallway of her grand office.

“You see that glass case over there?” She said.

“Yes I see it.” I responded.

“That’s my first Wimbledon win.” She said proudly, watching me admire its gleam.

“Wow, that’s amazing.” I said.

“Yes.” She said. “After I won that trophy, I felt like I had accomplished my life goal. I always wanted to be a champion tennis player. But I still felt empty. I still felt like my life’s work wasn’t complete.” She continued.

“Then my son came home crying from school one day, and I thought ‘great, my little bundle of joy is emotional again, what could it be today?’ So I asked him, and it turned out he was being bullied viciously by another boy in his reading class, I said, ‘by chance, do you happen to know if this bully of yours has been sexually active in the last few weeks?’ And my son said, ‘No, he doesn’t get any pussy,’ and that’s when I recognized the pattern that I had been discussing with my friends in the community group. These bullies were hurting others because of their lack of play.” Orchester said.

“Wow, that’s very keen acquisition and correlation.” I said.

“Yes! It was!” Orchester emphatically responded.

“So we were able to gather together a group of homeless crack whores, who we pay hourly, to fellate students that have been deemed troublesome, which in turn lowers incidences of violences amongst the kids!” Said Orchester.

“Well isn’t that clever!” I responded.

Orchester went on to explain that there are now a total of 25 state-funded crack whores who now suck off students in 13 different schools on a daily basis.

“Isn’t that wildly illegal though? You know, due to the underage sexual activity?” I asked.

“Yes, it is extremely illegal.” Orchester responded.

“However, attention to detail is so minuscule among authority when it comes to our public schools, that I honestly think they don’t care or they just haven’t noticed yet.” She said.

“I think they’ve noticed the results it’s yielded and don’t want to mess up a good thing.” Orchester laughed.

“Yea, that’s probably it.” I laughed too.

The program is expected to continue until someone has a better idea.