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Cancer is acquitted in O.J. Simpson murder trial

Following the death of former NFL star O.J. Simpson, many people believed that cancer was responsible for his untimely death.

After an emotional trial today, cancer was acquitted of all charges regarding the murder of O.J. Simpson. Shortly after Simpson’s death was reported Thursday, cancer was seen chasing police at low speed while driving a white hearse.

While a lot of people speculated, “oh it’s just cancer, it’s like that.” Others saw this as a possible admission of guilt. This isn’t the first time that cancer has been accused of killing a celebrity. Cancer has also been the suspect in the killings of David Bowie, Madeline Albright, Louie Anderson, and even Spiro Agnew, though cancer has yet to receive charges that stuck in any case.

Given the obvious motive cancer had to want to kill Simpson, many in the public eye are not buying it. Jurors in the rushed trial opted to acquit cancer on all charges as they could not fit the glove found at the scene onto the Petri dish cell culture of prostate cancer known also as Defendant 1.

Friends and family say that Simpson and cancer had been fighting for months leading up to his passing, but declined to speculate on its innocence in the matter.

Michael Fritz

About Michael Fritz

Michael Fritz is a lot of things, but he DOES believe in the holocaust. 6 million Jews were murdered at the hands of Nazi operatives in an effort to eradicate both their faith and race. In his eyes, Michael Fritz believes this was a terrible tragedy and needs to be taught and talked about so it doesn’t happen again. The holocaust was bad, but Michael Fritz isn’t. He writes articles.