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Tampa News Force acquires this thing

Dome

Yesterday, at an online auction intended to liquidate the asset inventory of the recently closed Tampa Grand Prix family fun center, we bought the geodesic dome structure shown in the photo accompanying this article. Also this photo: “After we failed in our bid to purchase the old, used parade float from Tampa’s Bonney-Read Krewe, we…

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Sting operation fails to catch giant African snails

Giant African Snail

An undercover sting operation designed to apprehend giant African snails who have recently invaded Pasco County has been called off due to a failure to catch any suspects Sheriff Chris Nocco announced yesterday. “They may be slow-moving but they’re slippery and slimy,” he said. “We baited them with the sexiest underage pornography we could find,…

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Tampa Bay Area babies developing taste for human flesh

Babies

As the nationwide shortage of baby formula continues to be a crisis, babies in the Tampa Bay Area are taking things into their own hands and mouths. 8-month-old Joshua Butterpenny of Tampa recently said, “Goo goo ga ga. Gleep (fart),” which translates in Adult-with-fully-formed-brain English to “We’re hungry and if you’re not going to take…

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Kyle Rittenhouse will enroll at Hillsborough Community College

Kyle at HCC

Kenosha protester shooter and acquitted murder suspect Kyle Rittenhouse Tweeted last week that he’d be attending Blinn College after contradicting claims emerged over whether he would be attending Texas A&M University this year. However, a representative for Texas A&M told news outlets that Rittenhouse wasn’t enrolled for the coming fall and summer semesters. That was…

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Lightning goal horn sounds prematurely again

Goal Horn

At last night’s NHL Eastern Conference Final game between the Tampa Bay Lightning and New York Rangers, which the Lightning won 4-1 to even the best-of-seven series at two games apiece, the goal horn went off after a shot from Lightning defenseman Jan Ruuta went wide of the net at the 14:50 mark of the…

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Russian propaganda spotted in Tampa Heights

Russian Propaganda

A billboard in Russian has appeared on Tampa Street in Tampa Heights, just south of the intersection with Emily Avenue, heightening fears that the Russians are planning to invade Tampa and may already have operatives embedded in the area. “It appears to be a recruiting poster,” said resident Claymatia Pierce. “It probably says something like,…

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Discounted oil Shell bought from Russia headed to Tampa Circle K

Circle K

The Shell Oil Corporation is reporting that the 100,000 metric tons of flagship Urals crude oil it purchased from Russia at a significant discount is being routed to a specific Circle K location in Tampa. According to Shell, the controversial transaction which has drawn worldwide scorn and criticism was supposed to at least partially benefit…

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Pasco County court re-classifies popcorn as lethal weapon

Curtis Reeves

In the surprising acquittal of accused murderer Curtis Reeves late Friday, a Pasco County court has ruled that having popcorn thrown at you justifies killing someone under Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” statute. “What we’d been led to believe all this time was a delicious snack to munch on during movies is actually a deadly weapon,”…

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Tampa Police Ready to Receive Instructions From New Broad

TPD Chief Mary O'Connor

Tampa Mayor Jane Castor announced earlier today that former Tampa Police officer and deputy chief Mary O’Connor has been chosen to serve as the next chief of the Tampa Police Department (TPD), pending confirmation from the City Council. The selection doesn’t meet all of the criteria set by President Joe Biden, who had taken an…

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