Children Now Allowed to Work in Extreme Heat without Water Breaks

After relaxing rules on heat protections for outdoor workers, the Florida Legislature is celebrating the fact that children are also allowed to work themselves to death.

“The more people that die the more money I make,” said Axel Graves, a local business owner that runs a funeral home. “People always ask me why I vote Republican every year, it’s because I make my money from death.”

Graves ran his whole business plan by me.

“The more people who die every year in this state, the more money I make, and also I pay less taxes,” said Graves while we split a pitcher of Miller Lite at a bustling Tallahassee bar.  “I also exclusively employ children, I overwork them.  I make them carry the caskets in the sun for hours, every single day.”

Graves poured me some more beer because my cup was getting empty.

“Florida is the best state because I don’t have to provide these kids healthcare, I pay little taxes and the minimum wage is nothing,” said Graves. “Once they get too old and start demanding raises, I enlist them in the military because I force their parents to make me the legal guardian of their children.”

Graves turned into a bat and flew away, spilling the beer everywhere and leaving me to pay the tab.