Clearwater Beach – Pinellas County – Friday, 4.26.2019
Seniors age 75 and older now have their very own section of beach where they are free to roam nude without facing any shame, thanks to Clearwater’s newest attraction, the Old Clam Nude Beach.
Tucked away somewhere off that main road, right when you get to all the bushes, is where the Old Clam is tucked away.
“Finally!” Said Nanette Smith, 80-year-old former vaudeville dancer from Memphis, TN. “I moved down to Florida when I was 65, and I couldn’t find a decent beach that would let me show my knockers off in public, but now these sag-bags have some new life!” She said as she grabbed her own breasts like old soggy trash bags.
“It’s about time!” Said Farvino Sosa, 95-year-old Cuban transplant who moved to Florida in the 80’s to traffic cocaine. “I like to be free. I like to be naked. I do the Lindy Hop and the 23-Skidoo with the best of them, and I’m happy that the local government is finally listening to the group which makes up a majority of the service industry patrons, the seniors!” He waved his finger in my face, I think he was angry at me, but I didn’t know why.
“You whipper-snappers, get to snap and whip with your peckers and pork-knobs out, but us seniors have had to cover up for too long. No more!” He shouted while triumphantly pointed upwards. “I like to eat fried shrimp soup with my grandson, and make flatbread pizzas with my grand daughter.” He forgot what we were talking about, but he was completely naked, making it awkward and forcing me question why I chose to conduct the interviews at Old Clam beach, and not from the parking lot.
I started walking up the beach through a sea of wrinkly-tanned souls who were soaking up the sun in search of that feeling of youth again, and a freedom once inspired by their naked bodies.
I saw one of those kids with a metal detector looking for lost treasures.
“Hey kid.” I said. “Aren’t you a little young to be wandering Old Clam looking for loose metals?”
He smiled up at me from his sun hat, “I’ve found treasure before mister!”
“Bulls**t” I said.
“Swear!” the boy held his hand to God.
“Prove it!” I shouted.
The boy then began swinging his metal detector around and it starts wildly beeping. “Beep! Beep! Beep beep!”
He started digging with his hand on the spot where it was beeping, and lo-and-behold, there was a giant treasure chest, couldn’t have been more than three feet buried right below where we stood.
“No f**king way,” I said while watching the boy open up the treasure chest to reveal a bunch of acorns.
“What?” We both said in unison as our gaze grazed from the acorns to each others eyes. Suddenly we hear a loud rumbling coming from the sea in front of us. Pirate ships of squirrels were barreling directly towards the beach.
“Pirate squirrels!” We both shouted again in unison, then I said, “Jinx!” And he didn’t get it because he was too young.
The ships blasted right into the sand and shocked all the members of Old Clam Beach, except the ones who couldn’t see or hear, they didn’t experience this action to full effect.
One of the squirrels got off the boat and walked on its hind legs directly to me.
“I can talk,” the squirrel said to me as stood there astounded. “My name is Nutty. I’m the king of the pirate squirrels. We came here today, in peace, to dig up our acorn chest which we buried, as-you-can-see, right below you at this current moment.”
I looked to my feet once again confirm, yes, I was currently standing on top of pirate-squirrel treasure.
“There’s no f**king way this is real,” I said. “I must be dreaming.”
And it’s in that moment that I realized, yes, I had been dreaming, I woke from my slumber in the news van outside the Old Clam Beach parking lot, no report started at all.“Damn it.” I said. “It was all a dream… just a non-sensical waste of time.”