Clearwater woman unsure how to observe Memorial Day

Hannah Aumel of Clearwater has been agonizing since Friday over how to observe today’s Memorial Day holiday.

“I’ve been told we’re not supposed to say, ‘Happy Memorial Day’”, she says. “It’s not a celebratory occasion. I get that. But are we supposed to sit around and be sad all day? That’s a sucky alternative”. She then emitted loud, high-pitched screeching squawk noises for some reason. “Sorry, I do that when I don’t actually have anything to say, which happens often because my brain feels obligated to make noise, even though I’m contributing nothing of value to whatever discussion is taking place”, she said.

She went on to explain her conflicted feelings. “My first inclination when weekends like this come along is to find a multi-day music festival and run around in an American flag bikini, doing weird drugs and having unprotected sex with dozens of dirty randos. I understand that none of those activities are in the spirit of the holiday and several aspects of them are downright disrespectful to the point where if I were to be savagely beaten with a tire iron by a veteran, they wouldn’t even be prosecuted. Screeeeech! Squawk! Squaaaawk!”

She continued, “So I guess I’m supposed to mope around in my house all day, wearing black with the shades drawn and being depressed. What’s the point of that? It’s not going to bring all the soldiers who died back to life. Squawkity-squawk-squawk, screeech!”

I asked her why she seemed to think that those two extreme scenarios were her only available options, suggesting that she could gather with friends and enjoy activities while keeping in mind and appreciating that the sacrifices made by others is what makes social gatherings like that possible. Her reply to that was to screech incoherently for seven straight minutes.