Orient Road Jail Road Steakhouse – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 4.24.2019
The Tampa Police Department is currently seeking information on a wild pack of self-proclaimed climate change “Rebels” who are being accused of trespassing to clean up government property and planting hundreds of trees.
“We have them on tape coming in here late at night to pick up trash,” said Protestor Management Detective Joey Citrus while nursing a glass of whiskey. “While there is nothing illegal with the cleaning, it’s not appreaciated and if we catch them doing it again, we are going to make sure they won’t have the ‘hands’ necessary to try.”
Along with being accused of picking up other people’s trash, the rebels are also being blamed for hundreds of trees that were planted along the river.
“We already have the most trees out of any city in the world,” said Citrus in a much more drunken tone than moments before. “If my wife thinks she’s going to cheat on me with my brother for the second time…” Citrus takes a big sip from his glass, “the first time I let it go, but next time.”
Citrus finished his drink and began to sob, “I hate trees. Next time I get fast food, I’m throwing my trash out the window.”
A waiter came up and brought Citrus another drink even though I never saw him order another.
“If the environment was a person, it would be one of those PC culture people,” said Citrus, completely drunk at this point. “First chance I get I will pistol whip anyone I see recycling.”
Tampa Police are requesting that any information about the rebels be sent to them immediately, they also said if you see anyone planting anything in Hillsborough County to use any weapons or firearms necessary to stop them.