Seffner Walmart – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 4.25.2019
It was reported that former president, Bill Clinton, was spotted holding-hands with mega-star and current wife of Nick Jonas, Priyonka Chopra, inside of a Seffner Walmart.
“I’m pretty sure it was them!” said Miss Daisy, an old woman wearing big coke-bottle eye-glasses with the chain attached to the back. “I’m not sure, I might just be slightly racist.” She shrugged, then walked away.
Another witness claimed, “Yea, it wasn’t them.” Demanding their identity remain anonymous as they, “didn’t want their friends to know they were here.”
A checkout counter employee motioned me over. “I saw them!” She said.“It was definitely them! I’m the only person in here who knew who either of them were I think that’s why they came here, I think they live here and have a secret romance!”
A knockout gas immediately filled the Walmart, the windows have been shattered by stun grenades, the president himself repels from down a rope, then the current president repels down a rope as well. They hit the ground boots first and start tearing s**t off the shelves, trashing the place.
The woman I was talking to at the Walmart counter started shrieking.
“Ahhhh!” She screamed. Bill Clinton calmly walked over to her and covered her mouth with his hand. “No more talk honey, you let my secret out, and now everyone in this town must pay.” Fire shot out from a backpack he was wearing and lit the rafters on fire. The current president was filling his jacket with bargain-bin DVD’s.
“Me and Priyonka,” said Clinton.
“It’s Priyonka and I,” I corrected Bill.
“Whatever. Me and Priyonka have been having a secret love affair for 3 months now, and we don’t need some wise-guy like you busting open our love bubble,” he poked my chest with his big, long, finger.
“Hey man I’m sorry your secret is ruined, but all secrets come to light at some point right?” He looked like he was starting to think about it, but changed his mind back to really mad, and he was definitely coming at me like he was going to hit me.
“Don’t hit me!” I screamed.
He stopped, “You remind me of my daughter.” He fell to his knees.
Bill Clinton then started singing a Linkin Park song in the middle of a burning Walmart while the current president was stomping his foot and clapping.
After Clinton finished singing his song he got back up and whistled real loud, then Priyonka came flying in on the back of a giant eagle and swooped down to pick up both the presidents, leaving us in a for-sure to-be fiery grave.
Right at that moment Hillary Clinton came busting in on the back of a giant Cheetah and said, “Get on!” And we all jumped on the back of this giant cheetah.
Oh yea, and by “we” I forgot to mention I’m with a big group of other reporters. Oh yea, it wasn’t just me on this one, it was like 20-25 reporters, because you know, you hear those 2 names, you know that the photos are going to be worth some money, so as a budding paparazzo in this game, I need to take every opportunity I get. Oh yea, also that’s what I do, I’m paparazzi. I know, what a terrible, boring twist to the story. Anyways, sorry for wasting your time and I apologize for wasting it.
Or do I? Think about TMZ or those other sensational tabloids, it’s nuts they have people round-the-clock like all the time spying on people, which is good? I guess? Why? Keep the role models “rollin’” if you know what I mean? I’m sorry I didn’t think it could get worse but it did. If you think this is bad you should listen to one of the Podcasts. Now THOSE are bad. This is like church compared to those. You have no idea. Go check em’ out!