Skip to content

Comedian performs 45-minute set without mentioning rape


Bill Jenkins, a famous local comic, performed an entire, 45-minute + comedy set without mentioning sexual assault last Thursday at Rivers comedy club on Hillsborough Pike, a pool-hall, which shares half the venue with a comedy theater. 

“Nobody stops playing pool.” Said Jenkins, a regular performer, who accomplished the feat.

“We do the show, and people play pool, and nobody has ever noticed comedy is going on, we perform under a large flat screen TV that shows Poker on ESPN, and we haven’t once gotten peoples gaze to spill below the TV onto the live comedy show.” Jenkins explained.

“So, I thought, ok, maybe I’ll try something different tonight. I’m known for being anti-woke and my sets are usually filled with violence and racism and sexism and phobias of all sorts. But what if tonight I don’t say any of those things, and I just like, try to talk without being like, aggressive, and kind of angry I guess. I’m always angry. Even though I’m out performing, my act is like, I’m mad. At everyone. But you’re supposed to like that? You’re like a fan of me being angry at everything because I’m so cool. Does that make sense?”

It didn’t make sense to me, so I said, “No, I don’t get it, but I can understand how some people can enjoy that outlet for their own reasons. Not me personally, but I can believe it’s possible.”

Jenkins is set to be headlining the “East-Coast-of-America has talent” comedy tour which he organized after video of his set without pointed profanity garnered 20,000,000 views and he appeared as the first guest on Ellen Degeneres new Twitch stream show.

Critics are calling Jenkins’ new act, “Refreshing and empowering.”

One review from revered critic Greta Vansustren, said, “Sure he was an absolute monster of a human being that nobody wanted to be around just last week, but his new act is so well-crafted and likable, that I’m able to forgive his past behaviors because he’s entertaining me, and I can only judge people based on how they treat me right? I mean it’s all I know of this guy, I wasn’t around for his old act! But the new act! I’m telling you, it is MUST SEE.”

Jenkins’ has deservedly become the highest paid comic on earth and is regarded as a feminist icon.

“He’s the reason I wake up in the morning.” Said fan of Jenkins’ for over a week now, Becca Stromgold.

“I’m vapid and empty, I fill my void with entertainment, specifically stand up comedy, and I’ve chosen this being as my savior.” Stromgold testified during her trial against Jenkins’ for a totally unrelated matter.

Jenkins has plans on retiring after 2 more years of performing. “I’m just here to capitalize on a short moment. I have no artistic integrity, I’m strictly here because I noticed I had a knack for making people laugh, so I’m exploiting that for my own profit in the cheapest way possible. I’m basically a whore for comedy, I’m just giving people whatever they want and I’m not adding anything personal or original, I’m just going to tune-out, go auto-pilot and dance for these audiences metaphorically, star in movies, lead a TV show, it’s all been written in the stars for me from the moment I reinvented myself.” Said Jenkins in a strangely zen and focused way.

It appeared Jenkins’ self-actualization and acknowledgment of himself had opened a portal in his mind, awakening his third eye, and firing neurons and lighting synapses throughout his physical lobes.

Then it all ended and the room went white and there was no more anything. The simulation finally ended because the player reached the conclusion and there was no more to learn and no more to explore. Everything had officially been seen and done. There were no more possible original ideas. Everything had been thought of. So it ended.

The white room slowly started to reload existence and once again a universe was filled with new planets and new stars and new life, and we did it all over again.

But this time it only took 2012 years before a comedian did a 45-minute set without mentioning rape which actualized all of humanity in one moment. So it was little bit different.

And that information was used and processed and considered for the next reload of the white room.

And maybe one day there will exist a time when a comedian does a 45-minute set every day without mentioning rape.

And everyone is happy, despite a lack of sadness to compare it to, and everyone is skinny but can eat infinite food, and no one gets sick, and everybody is hot, and life is sunshine and fun and people only argue and fight for the sake of sport in a well-regulated, good-spirited manor. All urges are filled and all indulgences are encouraged.

And that’s why Bill Jenkins needs to be President of the world federation. The one nation state of the earth which is controlled by a perfect, fair, system which gives everyone on the planet the exact same amount of influence as the next person. 

And infinite energy is expelled from polls jutting out of walkways through the center of town which are constantly healing us and providing us nutrition.

I’m not saying all of this is likely to happen. But I’m saying it’s a possibility. And I just strongly feel that Bill Jenkins is the only way to get to that.

And I’m not saying that because I’m a stand up comic too, and I want Bill to think I’m cool and ask me to open for him on the road, I mean I’m not even saying that I would 100% yes, I would have to think about it, and weigh the options, I mean, it’s like, I have a full family of 13 children and siblings living in a loft apartment in the lower east side of downtown Tampa. So I have to consider them a bit. And this is a big opportunity, it could lead to me getting noticed by networks and other people that could influence the industry in my favor.

I know most people hate Bill Jenkins because he’s a really bad person because he’s still a piece of shit and the other thing that’s changed is his act. And that’s fair. Because I hate Bill Jenkins too.

But people deserve chances to change and you can reevaluate your feelings every so often to be realistic about who this person is now.

Do people who have done bad things deserve to have their life taken away forever?

It’s definitely a spectrum! And I’m a T-mobile guy so I don’t even know anything about Spectrum. Get it? The cable company? This is the kind of material you can hear me doing when I open up for Bill Jenkins next month.

But no, fr, I think it’s obvious that you judge people based on the severity of the bad thing they did. And severity can be subjective, so it’s up to every individual to make their own decisions on people. Some people deserve to be cancelled for life. Some don’t. Does Bill Jenkins? Or is his act more important than his personal responsibility? Sound off in the comments.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds