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Coveting thy neighbor actually good for your health


Hey! Doing that thing you’re not supposed to do is actually good for you. Yea, it’s true. You know how you compare yourself to other people are you get upset you’re not as successful as them? That’s good! Keep doing it! When you throw yourself into tantric tantrums, shattering your chakras and sending them in every direction, it’s great for us. Uh, I mean you. 

We love it when you spend energy thinking about all you could be doing instead of all you can be doing. 

When you waste energy on outlets that only lead to negative results, it helps us stay one step ahead of you. I mean, it helps you stay ahead of the competition.

Telling yourself you suck and you’re never going to be good enough. Actually great! Very positive for your immune system. 

When you tell yourself you’re not worthy, it starts to become true. You’re manifesting a life for yourself that keeps you timid and unwilling to take risks or ever go against what your higher-ups tell you. And that’s a very good thing. Be proud of the fact that you can stay in one place for long periods of time without making a fuss or causing a disturbance amongst anyone around you. These are very valuable qualities.

Proving you can hold in your frustrations for decades at a time will get you a bigger desk and a bigger window. Very good.

The science is behind this. Celebrities are behind this. Everyone you know and love is behind this. And if you’re not you’ll be part of an impoverished minority who is unkempt and frowned upon by all the science and celebrities that you know and trust so well. That would be shame. We would hate to see that.


The reporter was recently on a secret society orgy vacation and since he’s come back he hasn’t quite been the same. He kind of just watches everybody from a distance now and spends time in his office “plotting” and studying very old ancient scripts that look like alien writing. Anyway, we hope you enjoyed the article! The reporter will be receiving electro convulsive therapy soon and we will try to erase this trip from his mainframe. I mean mind.  

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds