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DeSantis Announces Teen Menstrual Blood Collection Program

In an effort to ban trans youth from playing school sports, teen girls will now be forced to personally supply Florida Governor Ron DeSantis with a vial of menstrual blood every month.

“It’s the only way to make sure that no chicks with dicks are taking advantage of the sacred pastime that is school sports,” said DeSantis during a speech at Tampa Magnet Middle School. 

As part of the program, all students will be implanted with a microchip that detects and tracks menstrual cycles. Florida lawmakers are assuring parents that while it only tracks menstrual cycles, it is important that boys get the microchip to measure the amount of estrogen in their system.

“If a boy decides he wants to be a girl, we will know and the parents will be arrested,” announced DeSantis to the confused student body.

When a teen girl begins their cycle, an alert is sent out to the department of Teen Menstrual Blood Collection and Trans Prevention Center, and a person in a hazmat suit personally visits the girl to collect a vial of menstrual blood.

Governor DeSantis has appointed himself as the lead person to taste the vials to ensure they belong to a young teen girl.  

“I know what blood tastes like, and menstrual blood hits different,” continued DeSantis. “So if you’re one of these people that identify as a ‘Trans Girl’ and you want to play sports in your school, I’m just letting you know now that it is not going to happen.”

DeSantis then pointed at a girl he suspected of being trans.

“See that tall bitch right there, that thing would dominate in girls’ basketball,” said DeSantis.  “These confused boys that want to become girls to win at sports need to man up and just play in the same league of people who have the same genitalia as them.” 

The governor then went up to the girl he suspected of being trans and pulled her pants down. DeSantis didn’t find a dick and balls and the student was in fact, biologically female. This fact was confirmed after DeSantis pulled the student’s tampon out and sucked on it for a couple of minutes.

“I’m going to do something I don’t normally do,” said DeSantis, addressing the student body of Tampa Magnet Middle School after publicly humiliating one of the students. “I don’t know your name but I want to apologize for what I just did. I know it looked wrong, but this is exactly why we have the programs we are putting in place now.” 

The kids were confused and didn’t really know what he was talking about.

“Why did you have to suck on her tampon for so long?” Asked one of the students.

“Well, you see, tampon blood is not like real blood, because it is the lining of the uterus, so that’s what I’m tasting for.  Next question.” Answered DeSantis, very matter-of-factly. 

“Why can’t we say gay anymore?” Asked another kid as the school assembly broke out in laughter. 

“It’s not that complicated, but the fact that you asked tells me everything I need to know about you and what these liberal groomers are teaching in this school. Thanks.” Said DeSantis as he abruptly ended his speech and walked away.

Tampa Magnet Middle School was then evacuated and bulldozed for refusing to get rid of all their gay books.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos