As poll numbers for pseudo-Presidential candidate (for now, at least) and current Florida governor (probably until 2027 at this rate) continue to plummet, Ron DeSantis has expressed concerns that his pandering to MAGA voters with his stances on important social issues like race, abortion, immigration, guns, gender dysphoria, gay rights, drag queens and Mickey Mouse may be harming his standing with Florida residents.
“Let’s just say I don’t win this thing, God forbid,” he mused aloud to no one in particular over breakfast the other day at the Waffle House in Plant City for some reason. “Do you think all my gay and lesbian and Black and Hispanic and women friends here in Florida will still love me like they always have? Or is it possible I’ve pushed all this a bit too far?”
“I would hope they understand. They have to know I don’t hate them; it’s me I can’t stand!” he said, voice trembling. “This has all been a blatant cry for help. Surely anyone could see that! It’s been so obvious!”
“I didn’t mean any of that stuff,” he sobbed heavily. “I just wanted people to love me… somebody! Anybody! Because I’m incapable of loving myself!”
“I mean, who doesn’t enjoy Walt Disney World?!?”
“I guess it’s true what they say; ‘Hurt people… hurt people’. That’s so true in my case, anyway,” he said, regaining some composure and wiping tears from his eyes. “I just want to be okay. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“Unless the poll numbers turn around, and then it’s fuck everybody,” he added, as he started cutting his forearm with a steak knife.