Douchebags excited to start fights in bars again
As Florida gets closer to phase 3 of fully reopening the state, douchebags have been voicing their excitement to get back in the scene and cause problems amongst people just trying to enjoy their nights.
Clive Dustin, head of the Tampa chapter of the Douchebags United national organization said, “We’re so excited to talk shit and hit strangers who don’t deserve it because we’re insecure in our manhood and continue to suffer through unresolved childhood trauma. The boys have all been Zoom-bombing happy-hours all over the country, but being restricted to instigating digitally in short bursts before being ejected from the room is really not that same as the physical contact we desire, because even though we’re inflicting violence, we really just want to touch someone because we’re sad.”
Dustin, who started in the Junior Douchebags of America when he was 5 is proud to have risen through the ranks over the years and cemented himself as a pivotal figure in the Douchebag world.
“I’ve always just been mean to other people because I wasn’t very popular when I was an adolescent so I thought, ‘well if they don’t like me, I don’t like them!’ And it’s been a kind of vicious circle like that my whole life, do I hate them because that’s who I am or am I just using a defense mechanism to make myself feel better and never have to refine my crude personality and manners. Oh my God, I said ‘vicious circle’ that’s my favorite Dane Cook special!” Dustin excitedly proclaimed.
Tampa News Force was able to acquire a copy of Douchebags United’s most recent newsletter and in the publication they state, “Once the bars open up we must do our best to instill our presence back in these peoples lives. The people who forgot that we exist and have been able to maintain a peaceful living while we’ve been quarantined inside, we need to remind those people that WE are the alphas, and that WE are the coolest, most important, hypothetically-richest, people in the vicinity! WE deserve the prettiest girls, WE deserve dominance over our domain, so WE should overreact to any sort of inconvenience we face at all times and to make sure that ALL face-to-face interactions with us are unforgettable in the most heinous ways. Start fights. Fart on peoples food. Laugh at offensive jokes loudly.”
The newsletter goes on to detail specific ways of how to dress to cause the most disruption, as well as what areas to focus their attention to garner the most problematic atmosphere.
Local government is urging citizens to wait a few weeks before returning to your favorite bars so the douchebags have time to release their metaphorical douche-loads onto the general public and stabilize out to a maintainable amount of uncomfort and displeasure.