Downtown Tampa traffic lights to be timed at 15-minute intervals

The City of Tampa has announced that the traffic signals at all intersections downtown will now be timed to last for 15 minutes, effective immediately.

“It’s being done to reduce stress,” said Andy Blibfwitch, the city’s Director of Vehicular Traffic Patterns. “People get so worked up waiting for lights to change when they’re in a hurry. This way, if you get stopped at a red light, you know you’ll be there a while so they might as well go ahead and turn the car off, sit back and relax. Should save fuel, which is a side benefit I just realized that we didn’t plan for.”

He added, “Everyone always says they don’t have enough time to kick back and read books. That’s why we’re partnering with the Hillsborough County Public Library System. You should be able to get caught up on all those Dean Koontz novels you haven’t been able to get to!”

“Leave us out of this,” said an unnamed spokesperson for the library.

When asked if this move would result in massive traffic jams throughout downtown, Blibfwitch said, “Yeah, I guess it will, now that you mention it. I mean, that makes sense since people will be sitting for longer periods of time without moving. Huh. We didn’t really think all of this through.” He thought for a second and added, “But hey, then there will be longer periods of being able to go. It’ll probably all even out at some point, I guess.”