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FDA says Pfizer’s new euthanasia vaccine looks promising at combating pandemic, but more testing needed

A joint study released by the FDA and Pfizer and that “pain clinic” on Armenia Avenue in Tampa that clearly used to be a 7-Eleven today may very well mark the beginning of the end for Covid-19.

A group of 3,000 research scientists, epidemiologist, virologist and biologists signed onto a claim that Pfizer’s new euthanasia vaccine has an astonishing 99.999% success rate in ending Covid-19.

“The concept is quite simple you see, by getting rid of the host, the virus no longer has a way to survive and therefore can slowly be eradicated,” said Melvin Bigsby, chief laboratory scientist at Pfizer. “When The Federal Government came to us with the inconceivable challenge of expecting a vaccine by the end of the year, we knew we had to think outside of the box.”

“Complex problems do not always require complex solutions,” said Rashida Kevorkian, assistant to the chief laboratory scientist at Pfizer. “We asked ourselves, what tools do we already have access to that may help aid us in finding an answer to this problem?” “This question came up mainly because the Federal Government provided us a hefty grant to develop an effective vaccine and said that we could pocket any of the leftover cash.” “We only spent 13% of our $6 Billion dollar budget, and let me tell you, that extra cash really is going to help get me out of a couple of jams.”

Scientist say they simply just updated previous euthanasia compounds. They did this by extrapolating the genetic material found inside of a McRib and marrying it with sodium chloride, a common drug used in lethal injections. The combination of the two suspended in a serum of diesel fuel causes the heart to stop 99.999% of the time. Studies show that in preliminary clinical trials, the new vaccine had a near 100% efficacy rate. Out of 100 participants, only one of them, a man by the name of Keith Richards seemed to not be affected by the vaccine. This participant was given a secondary injection, but his tolerance seemed only to grow stronger the study notated.

Pfizer has been given the green light to move to the final phase of clinical trials and is looking for more people to participate in order to fast track this medicine. Interested candidates must meet one of the following criteria to receive approval to partake in phase 2 of the clinical trials:

1. You clap when a plane lands
2. You are vegan
3. You say “Za” to abbreviate the word pizza
4. You vape
5. You enjoy Nickleback
6. You microwave fish at work
7. You’re a Libra or a Scorpio
8. You have purchased an air fryer in the last 180 days and have posted about how much you love it on social media 179 of those 180 days.
9. People that wear Uggs in the summer
10. Carole Baskin

Vegan vape enthusiast Bonnie LeCompt of Pinellas Park said that her friends and family are excited that she is participating in the trial. “We all have our calling, and this is mine,” she said when TNF interviewed her in the line to sign up for phase two of the trials. “My friends, family, even my therapist kept sending me links to sign up for this, so I did!”

Once the FDA reviews the findings of the final phase of trials, they plan on working hand in hand with Pfizer to distribute the vaccine worldwide by the beginning of the year, starting with the elderly, immunocompromised and Libras receiving the first round.

Hugh Carey

About Hugh Carey

Part time comic, full time sovereign of sass. Hugh is only here to further the gay agenda. Follow him on Instagram: hugh_carey22