Final Presidential Debate Will Happen Tonight

Tonight, men who are diametrically opposed to one another but seek the same ultimate goal will square off in an intensely competitive effort to gain an advantage in that pursuit.

Also, aside from Game 3 of the 2020 World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Los Angeles Dodgers, President Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Joe Biden will debate for the second and final time.

Here’s what to look for, or avoid, depending on your level of tolerance for what happens in these things…

• Unlike the first debate, which was either a debacle or a delight, again depending on your subjective opinion, the candidates microphones will be turned off while their opponents respond to the first question of each of the debate’s six segments.
• Only the non-speaking candidate’s microphone will be muted but both of them will be in the same room, within a few feet of each other. That means if one of them wants to interject and is loud enough – *cough, cough, TRUMP* – it’s liable to be picked up by the other candidate’s mic.
• The topics scheduled to be debated are “Fighting COVID-19,” “American Families,” “Race in America,” “Climate Change,” “National Security” and “Leadership.” Whether or not any of those things are addressed at all by either candidate is unknown by anyone at this point, including the candidates or their handlers. It’s entirely possible, maybe even likely, that Trump will mention alternately that everyone loves him and everyone is mean to him while Biden will talk about choo-choo trains at some point or points.
• Kristen Welker will be the moderator. She is a White House correspondent for NBC News and apparently either lost a bet or severely wronged someone in a previous life.

• This is widely considered by experts to be Trump’s last, best chance to make up ground in the polls, in which he trails Biden by a considerable margin. It’s doubtful that he plans to show up smiling warmly, wearing a cardigan and petting a puppy, but if he did he’d probably show up grinning maniacally and wearing a cardigan made out of puppies.
• The debate will take place at the Curb Event Center at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee, so look for lots of references to “Curb Stomping” from hack pundits of all political persuasions.

• Your guy will win decisively. It doesn’t matter one iota what really happens during the debate, what any of us witness with our own eyes and ears, your guy is the best and the other guy is the worst. It won’t even be close. Your guy will embarrass, humiliate, kick the ass of, mop the floor with and various other violent and degrading euphemisms, his dumb, rude, utterly incompetent, corrupt, American-hating opponent. Don’t believe me? Just check Twitter.
• I will be watching the Rays (hopefully) take a 2-1 series lead over the Dodgers. #RaysUp

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I have been informed that today is an off day for the World Series. No game tonight. I could update the story to reflect that, but it would mean losing a couple of jokes so I’m not doing that. Sorry. – CB)